Forgiveness.

The reason why I'm talking about forgiveness is due to a group activity did by my friend today during lesson, it was a meaningful activity, which really got me emotional and reflecting on my own actions as well as the extent of forgiveness I'm willing to give to someone and myself.

I was being asked, "What's your definition of forgiveness?" There were quite a number of answers for that in my mind when I was being prompted to answer, but the answer I gave was "To let go of the hurt that someone has inflicted on you and continue to love and respect that person." It wasn't that difficult to share with people my thought on forgiveness, but having to change the words into actions is a tough task, and I admit, I'm not good at that.. There's 2 sides of forgiveness I'm talking about here, one is the forgiveness towards myself, and another aspect would be the forgiveness I can offer to others, like my friends and family. Maybe just to say, I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself.

I've encountered several times of heartbreaking and hurtful moments in my life and those days were the hardest to get by. Those harsh words, criticizing remarks, bringing me down again and again with all those comments, making me feel plain useless and that all the faults were sparked off by me. I kept quiet, the silence was quite enough to indicate the degree of pain and hurt that were inflicted upon me, but keeping quiet doesn't mean I don't care, keeping silent doesn't mean I agree with you, and most importantly, keeping my mouth shut doesn't give you a continual right to verbally attacked me. Those days, were even worst than stepping into a haunted house in the amusement parks, you get lost, you screamed, you shout and you get scared. The main point is that there are people around you who can hear your cries of help, and you will eventually make it out of the eerie place with the help of other people, ALIVE. On the other hand, in reality, things weren't as easy or as simple as taking a walk in the haunted house. People around you might not even bother to stop and ask you what's wrong, no signs of encouragement, no words to make me feel safe, nothing. The darkest times of my life should, and have enough reason for me to hate the person who have done such a thing to me, but no... I chose to forgive that person because I know I'm only freeing myself from hatred and revenge if I'm able to let go and forgive that person. I chose this path, because I know, it will lead me to a better place, a better future.

I do forgive people easily, and still treat them with love and respect no matter how deep they have hurt me in the past. I don't believe in holding onto grudges. Why fill your life with all the negative thoughts, making it overflowing, and end up having the backfire effect on yourself? If I don't forgive, I think I will just hate and turn myself into a monster that none of my friends will stay with me. I forgive, because the relationship I have with that person is more important than my own pride, my own ego. I don't want to lose someone just because of a slight mistake that they have done, neither do I want to let go of someone who means so much to me. It's pointless and just not worth it to actually let your life filled with hatred. Only by forgiving others, I gain a better understanding of the person, that's worth it.

However, I can NEVER forgive myself on the hurt that I've put upon to another person, it's way too much of a mistake that I can let go. I'd rather hate myself for that mistake and remind myself that I will not do so again. The ONLY person that I find it hard to forgive is myself, because I know, if I were to forgive myself, I never learn from my mistakes. Even if I know I'm able to prevent myself from making the same mistake again, I still wouldn't forgive myself. It's never a task in my life, I was never capable of forgiving myself. I can't forgive myself no matter what because my actions are the cause of the hurt that other people feel, the reason why their dreams are crashed. Frankly speaking, I always thought that I can forgive myself for my wrongdoings, but after today's activity, I know I can't. It's way too difficult to convince myself that I can forgive myself. Maybe I choose not to forgive myself, so it doesn't give me the chance to hurt others again. I bury myself in all the mistakes that I've made, overtime, it gets overloaded, but that's the burden or consequence I have to bear. I'm highly critical towards myself, no matter how hard someone tries to persuade me to forgive myself, it's always gonna be impossible.

"Forgiving myself" is like a mission impossible to me, every time I try to forget about the incident, or try to have a small debate in my mind to forgive myself, I've failed, I've failed terribly... I can't do it, I've tried countless times and the results are all the same, and now I'm tired of trying to forgive myself..