Drained.

These few days, I would say, had been pretty tiring for me. Both physically and emotionally drained, which I should say, it's more towards the emotions aspect. I have no idea what I'm thinking about, what's going through my mind and what I should do. It's like a whole struggle for me once more, knowing that things are not the same as I expected they will be. People said I'm strong, but right now, I'm here to rebut that I'm not, I was.. But after so many roller coaster rides in my life, I know I can't handle anymore emotional torture, and even if I can handle them, I will collapse and succumb to defeat. It's a tough war between my mentality and my emotions.

One mistake and then entire good journey between two people was ruined. It's a stain that will always be etched in the heart of mine, no matter how hard I try to remove it, no matter what I do to clean it away, it's always gonna be there, it's always gonna haunt me for what I did, and it will never let me lead my life in peace, because my conscience is constantly bugging me. I do admit that was the worst mistake in my life that I've ever made, if time could rewind (I know it's clearly impossible, even money can't buy a time machine), I wouldn't have such those things out of my impulses. If time were to rewind a little, I guess many of us will not commit the mistakes that made us regret for life. I do blame myself for all that has happened, it takes two hands to clap, similarly, it takes two parties to result in a conflict. I sensed the conflict, I know the presence of the cold war, but I still chose to flight. I don't have the confidence in myself that I can solve this, with both of us agreeing and coming to terms that we will erase off the unhappy moments between us. It's just as impossible for anyone to do that, it's tough to forget a moment like this when someone has did wrong to you.

Right now, all I need is patience, to be able to wait for that day when either my phone indicates a text saying "It's time for us to talk and sort things out" or a face to face notice telling me that it's time for all these to stop and regain back the good old times we've shared. But.. When will this day ever be? I hope for time to pass faster each day, I hope for that day to approach sooner everyday.. Every morning when I wake up, I still hope and pray for the same thing- that things are going to improve between us. With each day, each morning, each night, I just get disappointed, not because of anyone, but just myself. I'm disappointed at myself for not having that tiny little bit of courage and confident to tell you,"When you are ready, just tell me, because I'm always here waiting to make things better between us." I hated the fact that I may be brave in other issues, but when it comes to relational issues, I'd choose to stay in the protective shell of mine. I'm not afraid of getting hurt, I'm just afraid that my words will hurt another party once more.

I'm not good with words, I'm not good with getting my feelings across to people. I tend to hurt people with my words, unknowingly, before I know it, it's already too late to take back my words or to even apologize to the person whom I've hurt so badly. This is still a part of me that I need to change, and I want to change. If all people can see the crazy, funny and hyper side of me, I'm sorry, I wasn't being true to these people. There's always one side of me that rarely anyone will encounter or see, there's this quite and "I'm in deep thoughts" side that I don't show to people frequently, unless it has reach a point when I can no longer take it. And at this very moment, I know the time is almost coming, and I'm doing all I can to suppress this side of mine. It's not that I can't be vulnerable to people, I can, I cry in front of my friends.. I don't show this side because I don't know if people can accept this side of me, I'm unsure if I can handle all those questions being asked when I have such an opposite switch in my personality, from the highest point to almost the lowest point, I don't know how to tell people about the reason which caused my change and most importantly, I don't want people to sympathize with me. I do appreciate the support and help from all my friends, it's just that, I can't stand to see people worrying for me, it's not worth it. They have a life of their own, I shouldn't increase their stress level or burden in any way. I just want those around me to be happy.

I guess it's not true that people will always be happy around me, some people may dislike me, but still pretend that they are fine with me, and still hang out with me. For those people who really dislike or detest me, I just hope you guys can tell me, though it's gonna hurt, but a hurtful truth is better than a beautiful lie.  I'm training for my patience level to increase, and I certainly hope that I can the strength and determination to carry on in this "training" of mine. I'm just gonna be pretty emotional these few days, and my mood does fluctuates up and down recently, so for those who are around me, it's difficult for them to, since they have to adjust to my mood swings. In any case, I don't intend to show much negative emotions when I'm around my friends. I just want to thank them for giving me the greatest support when I needed it, however, ultimately, it still depends on me to see if I'm strong enough to overcome this. Despite there's this grey cloud which is blocking my clear sky now, I do believe in one thing, "If we are able to overcome this obstacle together, I know that our friendship will be stronger than before, probably the strongest I can ever encounter." That's what I believe in..

Okay, this is such a long post, I don't think anyone will actually finish reading it. Have a good night everyone!  xoxo