Catharsis.

I reckon that I need to squeeze some time out from my revision to just rant all I want on the blog. People are just going to read my blog and start to judge on the things I've posted, so be it, I am too tired to care about what people has to say about the content of my blog. It's simple, if you are not going to like the post or simple can't agree to it, it's fine, just leave the page and do something else. I am not forcing you to read the entire post or dedicate your time to read it, I am fine with it.

I hate it when problems start to surface during the exam period. It's not the first time that this has happened, it's always during the exam season when all the problems decided they should just pound on me so that I can suffocate till I die. It's one problem after another, one fight after another, one quarrel after another. I remembered just a few days ago when I had to handle 3 quarrels in a row, it was taxing and definitely emotionally draining. I really don't like to get into quarrels with people, especially when these people are those whom I love.. We will only end up feeling hurt, what's the point? If talking it out means quarreling, then I'd rather not talk it out. Talking things out in my context doesn't mean to bicker and fight over the things that we can't agree on. Different people, different perspectives, that's how I see it.

How will you feel if someone close to you suggest that he/she wants to be less involved in your life? What's the first thing that you will feel? I'm not blaming anyone for what has happened, it's both out fault since it takes both hands to clap, the problem is, I don't like it when someone so close to be said that he/she wants to be less involved in my life, because to me, it's no different from exiting my life. I don't like that feeling, and I am sure no one likes it too.. I understand how you are feeling and I respect what you've said to me, I don't want anything to change between us and I certainly do hope that we are still friends who can share problems with each other, not just hi-bye friends.

Someone once told me that I can't manage relationships well because I always tend to neglect a party because of someone, and the ones who I've neglected always say that they are a replacement. But no, I am not taking anyone as a replacement, no one can replace anyone in my life, each and everyone of you who enters my life is special and unique, it's not as easy as throwing something away and getting a new one to replace it the next day. I have no absolute intention of replacing anyone with someone else, because that's an inhuman thing to do. Why would I even treat you as a replacement in the first place? Just why? You should know that you are one of the few who are closest to me in my life. I'm sorry if my actions made you feel that you're being replaced by someone else, but that's not the truth and it will never be the truth.

If I can, I will tell you everything single thing that's on my mind, everything single shit that's bothering me, but no, I can't simply just tell you everything because I am not the only one involved, I have to take into consideration of others' feelings. If I can, I will not choose to bottle things up and make myself so miserable and think that my world is upside down. It's not up for me to decide. If I have the right to decide over this, then maybe my life will be way better, less worries, less troubles, less problems. There are certain things that I chose to keep it to myself because I know if I were to say them out, things will turn out to be nasty and I don't want it to happen, so I'd rather bear the pain and sadness to myself...

Ever had the feeling of caring so much for someone and yet, the person doesn't appreciate it or acknowledge? It's something like taking your care and concern for granted.. I don't like that feeling, I swear. It's something that I have to live with just because I never know how to be smarter in life. I tried to care, I tried to be there for you, but if you don't need it, I'd rather you tell me than to hide behind the sheets and pretend you never know that I care. For every single thing I do, I just want to show you that I care and will always stay by your side, that's what I want you to see, but did you ever see it? If I have to spend my days caring for you and you can't feel it, then that's simply just a misfortune for me.. I can give you all the care and love I have, but one day, it's going to end, it's going to run out because there's always a limit to certain things.

I am going to admit it, I am a selfish person.. I know I always want thing to go by way and I never ever spare a thought about how others will feel.. The only thing that can stop this selfishness of mine is to leave and to walk out of your life, to walk out of everyone's lives.. A loner, I would say. Being alone for me will be the best, I don't have to care about what others will say, I don't have to spend the extra effort to consider the consequences. If one day, I've decided to leave your life, what will you say? How will you feel? What will you do? Sometimes, I just want to leave and fade away just to see who will actually run after me or just simply try to stop me from walking away..

You always want me to tell you things, to tell you how I am exactly feeling even when I don't want to share about it, but you never do the same. When I asked you what's wrong or whether you're alright, you'll simply just say you're okay or nothing is bothering you. I guess the saying "what goes around comes around" has been proven in this paragraph, because that's how I always answer people when they asked me just what went wrong to me.. I know how frustrating the feeling can be. I just hope that if you wish for me to share my feelings with you, I will at least hope for you to do the same, because I don't want to let you know all my emotions and being naked to you, when I know nothing or so little about you.. I find the relationship between us so lob-sided at times.

Sigh, I just hope that you can at least pay more attention to what I say because those words are my heart felt words, don't take it as just any others form by a few alphabets. The meaning behind it will never be known to you if you don't pay attention. I'm really tired.. No idea how I should continue to fight these battles, I know I have friends who will be there for me, but ultimately, I still have to count on myself to solve my own problems, I should not depend on others so much.

This is just one part of what I want to share, there's more but I will not say everything out.. I shall just say farewell to the world for a couple of days.