INSANITY.

I'm just going to complain and rant all I want on this blog post... I have to do so or I will snap like a rubber band because I've been "stretched" a little too much as of now. Most of the "annoying moments" happen at home, where obviously, according to conflict perspective, I'm the one holding the lesser power, and at anytime, I might turn to DRUGS to escape from alienation from studies, family and friends and frustration caused by inequality. I'M JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE DRUGS PART. I just dislike being at home sometimes, how much of freedom can you experience when you are being controlled about what you drink at home?

First of all, I have a question, is there something wrong about drinking bubble milk tea at home? O_O

Look, the sight of milk tea is so tempting and "seducing" in a sense to me, so why can't I drink? It's not like I drink it everyday, or for the worse case, every few hours. NO. I drink it once in a while, and it's not really that frequent. I know it's not exactly healthy or beneficial to drink milk tea, but it doesn't really kill drinking it ONCE IN A WHILE. Yes, I'm emphasizing on that point, it's just like once every few weeks, once every 2 weeks etc. What's wrong? I got scolded for getting a cup of milk tea in the late morning (after breakfast) which triggered other issues that my mum uses to scold me for. I shall talk about them later. Seriously, don't impose your thoughts on me. It's you who dislike milk tea, not me, so stop asking me, NOT to drink milk tea. Do you have to restrict my freedom this way, by limiting the drinks I can take? *faints*

Moving on, I get to know that preparing for exams in advance is wrong, very wrong to my mum. I've been studying at home and she keeps complaining that NO SCHOOL SPENDS A MONTH JUST TO HAVE EXAMS, and I've explained to her for "I don't know how many times" that for the first 3 weeks, I'm using the time to prepare for my exams, exams don't start till the last week of February, she don't understand and insist that I'm lying. How do I even score without preparing and revision? I don't like she sees me as "superwomen" that I don't have to study to score and I can do everything without making mistakes. No, I'm not a superwomen okay? I'm trying hard to study, to score so that you will not have to experience the same disappointment you felt years ago. I just need some peace when I'm studying, I will really appreciate if you stop asking people to our house to gamble, because you have no idea how much of a disturbance and annoyance I feel whenever your friends come and create noises. I need to concentrate. Just another week, is it very difficult or am I asking too much this time?

You know I'm revising, you know I'm studying, and all I'm asking for you is to stop nagging at me over the past issues and push the entire responsibility of coaching my sister's in her studies to me, sometimes it just gets stressful. I don't show it because I know it's my duty to teach her, but when the burden gets to heavy, I need someone to share it with me, but all you do is to demand this and that. I need a breather and my sister needs to learn how to do her work on her own at times, she can't be this independent on me. Don't blame me fully when she doesn't score well, I've taught her everything she needs to know for a certain topic and it's because of her independence on me which resulted in her being unable to score for her exams/tests. Do you have any idea how stressful is it for me to shoulder my sister's future? Mum, I'm not perfect, really, please don't see me as perfect anymore, because the label of being perfect is weighing down on me. No one is perfect.

I'm not okay, I've rarely been truly alright or happy when I'm home. You said I speak less than 10 sentences whenever I'm home, yes I admit, but do you even bother to find out the reason why? Do you even care about what I have to say? Even if I say it out, will you care, will you take my words seriously or just take them as an excuse again? Whenever I'm happy at home, you are always there to take my happiness away, why are you depriving me of happiness at home? Isn't home supposed to be a place filled with love, affection, care and happiness? I know you care for me, but you're doing it in the wrong way. You never know how much I want to express myself with all the you've been doing on me, all the resentments, unfairness and pain are building within me and I never got the chance to share it with you. You don't wanna listen, and when I try to explain, you walk away, making me feel like my thoughts are no longer important. As time to come, I've gave up on trying to express and explain myself, and just because of this, you think that I'm alright, you think that I'm coping well at home, but no... You're wrong.

I don't mind you giving all your attention to my sister, I really don't mind. All I ask is for you to scold me with a reason, not without a reason. The impact inflicted on my is great, and the struggle to get up is tough especially when no one really understands what you are going through.. I don't mind being neglected at home as long as you leave me with some dignity. I can accept all the blame you push to me, but that doesn't mean I'm alright. I just don't want to upset you with my words because I don't want to make it sound like you're at fault. Every mum loves their child, and you're not an exception. I know you care and love me, that's why you have such high expectations on me. Sometimes, caring and loving someone doesn't mean you have to put the person through such adversity in order for them to learn.. Sometimes, it's just about simple words and gestures to make the person feel appreciated... I'm really done trying to be a "perfect daughter" for you, it's tiring..

I should stop complaining and get back to my "partially misery" life now.. Goodbye folks.