Lego Men.

I made 2 Lego men today together with my group members. It was actually to raise money for School Pocket Money Fund so each one of us forked out a dollar to get $5 so that we can exchange for 2 Lego Men! We can customized them, that's like the fun part of it. We get to keep one and place another onto the NDP floating platform which is also made of Lego! I guess it was a fun idea to have such a thing in school, the platform is quite filled though, especially the front rows. It seems like the students from NYP are pretty charitable! I feel bad for ditching that Lego men at the floating platform alone while another one is having fun at my house, this is sad. But I hope he understands that it wasn't really what I want. Okay, who I am trying to kid? I am actually talking to myself now T_T

This is one lucky Lego men because he came home with me! 

I guess he's just a little unlucky that he got "abandoned" there, but oh well, he will meet new friends! 

Anyway, I wasn't really feeling alright during today's lecture because it reminded me of something I've been trying so hard to cast it away. I guess it's something I have to face it sooner or later especially since I am working in this profession.. Don't ask me what is it, only those who are close to me will know what I am talking about. It's nothing pleasant, if I can, I really don't wish to be reminded of. My hands shook so terribly.. Sigh, why must I be reminded of that again?

Okay, unhappy things aside. I went for a jog today! It's the second time for this week, feeling proud of myself now! I am going to try to jog for 30 minutes next time since I managed to complete a a 25 minutes course! I am happy! I guess I am using jogging to release my emotions.. In a way or so I guess? I don't know why I'm so bothered by a certain issue, but I just can't feign ignorance towards it.. I WANT TO PLAY POCKET PLANE. IT MAKES ME HAPPY.

I swear that was random. I went to Winsome's house for project today since school ended at about 12pm for us! Had pasta for lunch and that was a warning sign that my weekly allowance is going to kiss goodbye to me soon. It's always fun to go to her house for project because her house is like awesome, no idea why, it just is! Okay, something just happened that totally made me feel like crying... My sister asked me questions that I never expect her to ask, it just breaks my heart..

I am not in the mood to update anymore for tonight, I am just going to prepare for tomorrow's presentation. Wish me luck, my first ever presentation for this new semester!

Stack It Up!

I've found another interest of mine, yes, stacking of cups. It's like the best thing you can ever do when you're bored because you never get bored of it! I was exposed to cup stacking yesterday when my lecturer introduced 3 speakers into our class to share with us about the cup stacking competition which will be held this Saturday. My class is supposed to help out during the competition, each of us playing a different but vital role. Oh well, that's not the highlight of this point, the main thing is the stacking of the cups. Those are not ordinary cups, they are cups with holes at the bottom and it's definitely the coolest cups I've ever seen in my life! I wanna get like a set of cups so that I can play at home! I'm highly motivated to stack those cups like a boss, or rather, like a professional. Question is, where do I get such cups? Time to do some online research! I think my mum will come after me with a chopper if she ever finds out I've spent money buying cups..

Alright, enough of cups, but I still think that it's cool. I am addicted to it, it's my new addiction ;) Anyway, school has finally started, really miss going to school because I get to see all my wonderful classmates! I am going to have my first presentation ever for this semester on this upcoming Thursday. Feeling nervous and excited at the same time to be honest because I've miss presenting! It was one thing that actually helped me to build up on my self-confidence level!

Anyway, just something random. We were having a lecture on elder abuse and neglect today and it really makes me sad.. Why would someone even want to vent their anger or resentment on an elderly? :( Yes, you can be stress or whatsoever, but that doesn't give you the excuse or reason to abuse or neglect an elderly. To me, they are the asset of the society! Oh well, but who am I to say anything when I don't even know what the abusers are feeling or what stresses they are having.. I just feel that, we shouldn't do harm to any human being..

I have a confession to make. I am eating way too much lately. I have no idea why, I eat almost all the time even when I am not hungry. It's not a good sign for me because I know I'm using eating to run away from some issues, at least it's better than the older method which I used to resort to. In any case, running away from problems just leave them unsolved, I'm well aware of that, it's just that I don't know how to go about facing them..

Happy, happy, happy!

I am very happy today because I am starting to love and enjoy my work even more after what has happened today! Of course, to be happy and enjoy the job that you're in, the people who are working with you play an important role. Imagine working with a group of people who are forever having the black face and they give you the feeling that they want to eat you up anytime, it's scary and it's definitely not a good working experience for anyone. I'm glad most of my colleagues are friendly and nice, they are a bunch of funny people too! I enjoy working with the majority of them, except for a few because I don't really get the chance to work with them, and when I work with them, they look too stern to approach.

Let me just share about a few incidents that happened today that made me happy during work!

Firstly, I met a new colleague today. I swear he is really annoying, but well, it's in a good way :) there's this one guy who asked me for my number because he wanted to know more about the business course in NYP, so yes, being a friendly person, I gave him my number since we're working together. And so, this new colleague of mine saw what happened and began smiling whenever he sees me. He's giving me that "something fishy is going on between the both of them". Well, an eye for an eye I guess? I disturbed him back and "scold" him whenever I catch him smiling! It's fun to work with people like him.

Secondly, I got disturbed again, by another guy -.- this time, he said that I am fat just because he managed to walk between 2 chairs which were pretty close together. I didn't want to walk passed there just in case the customers feel disturbed. Ever since that moment, he started calling me "fat women". Well, as usual, I gave him a slap on his face. This is not the first time that he has disturbed me already! He's so mean, but he's nice at times too! He's one of the closer colleagues I have in the restaurant, he taught me most of the things :)

Thirdly, I love working at the restaurant because I love to serve Caucasians. I served a few of them today and yesterday. The encounter yesterday was pretty alright I guess. There was a group of Caucasian girls who entered the restaurant and only one of them bothered to smile back at me.. Oh well, it's better than nothing I guess? I get overly overwhelmed when I get the chance to serve Caucasians! I served a cute couple today! I was lucky enough to actually be the one serving them because the guy made my day! He joked with me as I was bringing him to his seat and when he was asking for the payment, he took out a note and asked if we accept foreign dollars, and before I could even answer him, he magically transformed the note into a credit card! I was like OMG! The stunning, shocking, surprising moment of my life. I witnessed a magic trick live. It was such a quick action that I was totally caught off guard! I love him, he's an amazing customer, the best one in fact! He even made cute remarks on the order pad! It's the best order pad I've ever received! Before he left the restaurant, he actually came and looked for me and thanked me for the great hospitality that I've gave him. This made up the best part of my day today!

Lastly, I got praised by a customer! I get happy easily when I work, so yep! There was this family who wanted table for 5, but sadly, the restaurant was full house when they were there. They insisted on waiting for a table so the mum stayed at the restaurant to wait while the others went for a walk. I started talking to the lady because I feel bad for making her wait alone and wandering outside the restaurant. She asked me what are our specialties, so I recommended quite a few for her, ranging from rice to baked rice to noodles to coffee and to iced tea :) I love to give recommendations to customers, and I have no idea why. I told her that I just started to work not long ago and she praised me for knowing the menu pretty well, that totally made me smile! I was supposed to knock off at 6pm today but I stayed a little longer because I want to make sure that they get a seat before I leave. After about 20 minutes, I managed to get a table for them and I took down the order. The lady actually ordered most of the recommendations I've suggested to her and said those were good suggestions! What can be better than making your customers feel happy? I love to see customers leaving the restaurant feeling satisfied and having the mentality that, "yes, I will visit there again!"

Look at the remarks he wrote! :) He is such a funny man! 

These are the reasons why I am so happy today! ^^ My lunch today was alright, I love the curry sauce and egg (what's new?). I didn't order the curry rice actually, it was a wrong order and just nice, I was hungry and requested to have lunch. My manager told me to eat the rice since it's already cooked, we shouldn't waste food! I don't really eat fish fillet though, but I finished in within 10 minutes because firstly, I was too hungry and secondly, there were too many customers and no enough staffs. I always rush through my lunch when I'm working! 

The curry rice is nice, can try it if you ever visit the place :) 

I shall leave for now, need to prepare for my presentation later this week! See you!

9 Hours.

Yes, time is precious. Oh oh oh, I sound like a wise person now. Just kidding! Today's a stay-home day for me! I spent the morning doing housework, well, as usual, mopping the floor, washing the clothes and keeping the room clean and tidy! Lady boss is coming home tomorrow, that's why I need to ensure that the house is clean and dust-free, although dust keeps entering my house! Digress a little, the weather is really hot today! Okay, I managed to sleep for 9 hours an 30 minutes last night, I am so happy! I finally slept more than 8 hours!

Anyway, I went to CPF building earlier in the afternoon because my uncle called and informed me that I need to apply for Singpass. I need it to renew my re-entry permit if not I can say byebye to Singapore :( It was like a impromptu thing for me because I never intend to leave house today.. I was lost around Bishan area because obviously Google map gave me the wrong direction. I had to walk back to Junction 8 because according to Google map, I was supposed to alight at the stop after J8. The entire application process took me less than 3 minutes. I entered the building and I left after signing a document and entered my password. 3 MINUTES THAT'S ALL.

I went home and ironed all the clothes because the stack of clothes was piling up. I can't stand the sight of it. I managed to complete ironing in about 50 minutes and was off to play basketball. I think I am crazy, I always choose the hottest timing ever to play T_T no idea why, maybe I just wanna get tanned! I like it when the court is not occupied because I love to shoot without any disturbance or interference. Today was an exception though, There were 3 guys sitting near the court area and it was so awkward playing when they are around, kinda scary.. But it turned out to be fun because the group of guys approached me and asked if I wanna play a match with them since they are short of a player.  It was a fun match, we were trailing behind by 4 points but in the end we managed to win by a point. This is what I call teamwork and perseverance!

Oh yes, I went to the BBQ last night! It was fun, but sadly and as usual, I had to leave early. This time, it was not because of my mum, but rather, my cousin wanted to get drama from my house so I had to leave early. I ate a lot last night, I kept eating the sotong and otah because they were the tastiest food there! Ai Weig came and got some tidbits and ice cream for us and Jocelyn got us some strawberries and grapes. Yes, fruits make us less sinful when we are eating BBQ food!  It was great to see the juniors again! I'm looking forward to see everyone on Monday, I miss them so badly!

I shall go and enjoy the air con now, I really can't stand the hot weather. Bye! :)


isitgoodbye?

I AM A ZOMBIE.

I am feeling like a zombie today because I had only 4 hours of sleep today, yes, that was the least number of sleep that I've had for 18 years in my life. I just don't feel like sleeping early recently. I've been watching movies every night since Saturday or Sunday, can't remember. The first movie I watched was Fast 5, followed by Street Dance and last night, I watched my all time favorite movie- High School Musical! I watched the final season of it which is the senior year season! I teared, no idea why, perhaps because goodbyes are involved. I hate goodbyes. I slept at around 2am last night and woke up at 6.30am this morning.. I'm so glad that my migraine didn't act up lately, thank goodness!


I still feel like sleeping. 


No, I shall not sleep because I need to do housework. I don't wanna get a lashing from lady boss when she returns from KL. Anyway, I realized I didn't post about what I've been doing for these few days, I shall just share about what happened yesterday! I shall start talking about what I did during the afternoon. Yesterday, I met up with my group for project at Winsome's house. Before we embark on your project journey, we went to Nex to have our brunch and walked around the mall for a little while before we finally decided that we should really start on the project! I will say that it was a productive day for my group yesterday because we managed to complete 3/4 of the poster for career talk, 1/3 of the slides for career talk as well as about 1/5 of the slides for working with older adults! It was good provided the fact that we were actually quite tired and sleepy during the entire meeting, I was glad that we managed to stay focus! YAY!

I swear I'm turning "rebellious" lately just because lady boss is overseas. It's like I finally get a little more freedom as compared to when she's in Singapore. I went home after project to bathe and check if the laundry. It rained quite heavily yesterday at Serangoon so I was really worried that the clothes which I've not kept inside will be drenched. Yes, I didn't keep the clothes because they were still a little wet and I wanted to try my luck to see if the sun will co-operate with me. Actually, IT DID. The clothes were not wet at all and surprisingly, it didn't rain over at my area!  Okay, back to the main topic... I went back home, bathed and headed out again to meet my friends for dinner at AMK. Most of them had the same reactions when they saw me late at night. I rarely hang out with them so late at night so it was like something new for them and for me as well. We hanged out at the playground, playing with the swings like little kids. It was fun!

I think I reached home close to 12am. I feel like a rebel. Oh well, guess it's just for this week because my mum will be back by this Saturday. SIGH. It will be back to those days of returning home by 7pm and start revising for work because of the restrictions and curfew. I guess it's good that my mum is coming back soon, it gives me a reason to not get out of hand! Anyway, I am still contemplating if I should go for the BBQ tomorrow.. It's at Changi, oh dear.

BIG SIGH.

Today was alright I guess? Other than "tired", I have no idea how to express myself. I'm just tired physically, or maybe just a little towards emotionally. I woke up this morning to a text that scared really badly, it literally woke me up. Sometimes, we tend to scare ourselves when we receive text messages IF we don't read it carefully. Yes, that was what happened to me this morning. I didn't read the text properly and it resulted in myself scaring myself. I know it's dumb. In any case, though the text wasn't directed to me, I was still a little shocked and upset over it. I shall not explain why..

Anyway, work was alright today other than the fact that I made a stupid careless mistake. I forgot to return to the credit card to a customer because my head was spinning after working for a few hours. It just slipped my mind that I didn't return her the card until my operations manager told me. I ran to the toilet to look for her but sadly, she isn't there. Few of my colleagues told me she was there but I can't seem to find her and so, I returned to the restaurant with the card still on my hand. Sigh, I obviously got chastised by the manager, but it wasn't that bad since I just started work not long ago. Because of this, I dare not to handle bills anymore, especially when credit card is involved. I still feel so guilty..

As usual, there were tons of customers today, I'm not exactly surprised since it's a weekend. I just hope that at times, some people can be more understanding that it's really not for us to determine if the food can be served as fast as possible, we can only say we will try our best to satisfy all the customers. The flow of customers was never-ending today, my mushroom baked rice waited for me for about 30-40 minutes or even longer before I tasted it. I can't even find the time to rest or go to the toilet.. Oops, just realized I didn't snap a picture of what I ate today, my bad, I got carried away since I was too hungry, sorry!

Lady boss and my sister went overseas today, but I'm not exactly free because I'm tight down by housework.. I can stay out just slightly late other than the fact that I have to tell my dad and grandma where I will be heading to and what time I will be home. OH YES, PAUSE. LADY BOSS JUST CALLED ME. She never fails to check on me no matter where she is, she's even better than FBI! There's work for me again tomorrow, I hope I won't collapse halfway because whenever I work, my gastric will sure to act up.

I am going to stay-over at my grandma's house tonight. My monopoly deal is coming along with me, I WILL WIN. Ugh, just in case you didn't know, I share a deep grudge with monopoly deal because I never seem to win it no matter how many rounds I play T_T Shall end here~ BYEBYE.

Experience!

If someone were to mention about kung fu, the first thing that will appear in my mind will be panda. I think it's because of the movie, "Kung Fu Panda". I have no idea why though. Anyway, today marks the first day of my work at Kung Fu Paradise! I am enjoying this job although it can be quite tiring especially when there's many customers. The most stressful part is the memorizing of the table numbers, thank goodness I was able to remember all of the table numbers today! I love working at Kung Fu Paradise, they serve really nice food over there and the staffs are all friendly and nice! The boss dropped by the restaurant today and it was so scary because he looks stern to me. Basically, he was acting like how he should be, LIKE A BOSS. After he left, the restaurant manager came and I didn't even know that she was present until one of my colleagues told me T_T How slow can I be?

Oh, I just have this one simple question. Do I seriously have the "15/16 years old" look? It's not the first time that people told me that I don't look like I'm 18 years old... The first time was when I went for a hair cut, which was not long ago, and the hairdresser asked me how old I am, and after knowing that I'm 18 years old, she said I don't look like one 18 year old girl.. And today, while working, my colleague decided to be random and he asked for my age, and of course, I was being honest and said 18 years old. Just like the hairdresser, he said I don't look like 18 years old at all and he kept saying that I'm lying about my age T_T I AM 18 YEARS OLD!! Okay, I should not be agitated, at least it gives me a reason to smile because people think that I am young.. or immature? In any case, I have no idea why I don't like my age at all. I DON'T KNOW WHY!

6 hours of work and my legs were dying after I knocked off. I was actually contemplating if I should go for a jog because I've been eating a lot and not exercising enough! Yep, I went for a jog as well as did some skipping :) I feel way healthier now! Recently, I found my favourite yogurt drink! The orange yogurt drink that just surfaced in the market not long ago! I wasn't sure if I liked it at first, but I think there was some sort of impulses a few days ago and I decided to buy it!

Yep, this is my new lover :) for those who love yogurt, should try this drink!

I am going to work for another 6 hours tomorrow, I hope my leg is still able to handle all the standing and walking around! :) I shall look forward to tomorrow! My mum and sister are going overseas, which means, I've regained probably around 70% of my freedom! YAY! 

Here's what I ate for lunch today at my workplace! 

I am drooling just by looking at this photo! The sauce-noodle combination is the best! Of course, the best part of his dish is the EGG! I love eating eggs! 

This magazine cover got me running down from my grandma's house like a lunatic just to get it simply because Rainie is on the cover page, and of course, both Rainie and Show look good together, as always! :) If only they can be couple in real life... OKAY. THIS IS WHAT WE CALL AS IDEALIZATION. It's a term I learn from doing the crisis intervention project! 


That's all for today! :) BYEBYE. I need to rest my leg or it will be dead tomorrow! 

Productive Day!

I really need to learn how to stay focus at times, especially when I am studying or doing projects with my group mates! I tend to get distracted easily, I need to change that! I love the feeling of being able to stay focus despite all the distractions around, like my phone and iPod, well, that moment of satisfaction rarely occurs anyway, so I shall not have high hopes towards it..

Today was a pretty productive day for me as well as for my group. I think we need to have our meetings at the dining table instead of the living room area because the sofas have hypnotizing skills. We have a higher likelihood of falling asleep, or rather, "brainstorming" like how my group mates call it whenever we have our project discussion in the living room. Oh wait, sorry that I forgot to mention, we love going to Charmaine's house for our projects! It's like our second home! Anyway, the previous time when we went to her house for project, we "brainstormed" more than we discussed about our presentation which is going to occur on the 26 June, first group to present for crisis intervention module! *shivers* I hope everything goes well for that day, I shall try not to use any script during any of the presentations so that I can portray the "professional look"!

This is how the professional feeling! 

Did I mention? I love the phrase "LIKE A BOSS"! Okay, that was something random! OH YES YES. I REMEMBERED SOMETHING! One of my group members went overseas today and she left the four of us here, trying so hard to squeeze our brain juice for the project. Tsk, this is not a good sign! We shall have our revenge when she comes back to Singapore! Oops, I hope she doesn't come after me when she reads this post! Oh well, I shall prepare myself lest she really comes after me with a chopper! 

I think I want to work well children in the future mainly because I think that they are really innocent and deserve a problem-free childhood, just fun, laughter, toys and candies :) I smile whenever I see their smiles, it's the best gift you can ever receive from a kid! However, working with children isn't my main priority, I still hope to work in either special needs or elderly sector. At first, my plan was to get into an organization that focuses on elderly work because I can connect well with them (not that I am old, no, I am always young at hear!). I love to listen to their stories and their knowledge is something special & valuable to me! After attending the lectures on special needs and making a visit down to Dignity Kitchen, I realized I do have an interest and passion towards people with special needs as well. They are different, not less (this is a phrase I've learned from watching Temple Grandin). I really hope that one day, people will reduced their discrimination towards those who have special needs and not treat them any lesser than how they should be treated. I think I wanna work with people who has physical disabilities, either that or I will want to work with people who has autism. In any case, as long as I am able to help those who are in need and render my help to the society, I really don't mind which sector I am going to work in.

Just feel like sharing something random before I end this post. I just had a short phone call with one of the best lecturers in this whole entire earlier because I was asking him about SFBT :) Yes, it's Jim. I miss having him as our lecturer, all those jokes and stories that he shared with us were something I miss the most about him. I hope he is doing well and that the class gets to meet up with him soon! 

I have no idea why I "talked" so much today, probably just one of those "I feel like typing a lot" day! I shall try to sleep early tonight. I need to wake up tomorrow because I have to go for work. I shall not be late since it's my first day of work! 

Princess Life!

If you're reading this, CONGRATULATIONS! Please feel honored that I dedicated one post just for you because it's your birthday! I know you are very touched, it's fine, don't have to thank me! I'm just kidding.  I know this is probably like the 4th time or so that I've wished you happy birthday, but I don't care, I want to keep wishing you whenever I can till 12am tonight! :)

So... YES. Here we go!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

I don't mean to remind you that you are already 18. Well, being 18 has its benefits, and one of them is that you will surely click better with me because you'll understand the reason behind my sudden outburst of laughter! WHEE~ Alright, jokes aside! Just wanna thank you for being such an awesome friend, one thing I'm really thankful for is that you didn't give up on me although I'm well aware that I can be really stubborn at times. You're a great friend, please remember this! :) Continue to enjoy your princess life before the clock strives 12am tonight! Have fun!

Let's go watch M18 movies someday ;) 

Sandwiched.

No, I am not hungry. I had tapioca cake for dinner, so nope, I am not hungry. I don't really eat sandwich, so nope, I am still not hungry. I had a sandwich picture because I am feeling SANDWICHED. To put it in lay man terms, I am caught in the middle. Why be surprised I ask myself? It's not the first time that I've feel this way, it has happened for many times in the past anyway, so why am I still bothered by it? I guess the only reason that I can think of is that I care, I care way too much. I seriously hate being sandwiched between people, especially those whom I love very much.

It's like asking me to choose between two of my favorite breads, I can't make a decision because I love both equally, and I don't want anyone to feel left out or unfair. Sometimes, decision-making kills especially when it involves people. You have to care about their feelings as well, not just your own feelings and thoughts. It's like if I follow this person's wish, I am going to neglect another's. I don't like to choose, I don't like to decide. The only thing I do is to follow my conscience. But even so, I will still end up hurting people. Life is always contradicting itself. Screw it.

I've found out a piece of news recently that well, doesn't really surprise me because I somehow figured it out. It was more of a disappointment to me. I saw it coming, but the main reason I was disappointed was because that person means a lot to me and hearing something like that wasn't exactly a good news at all. I mean, even if that person is just a normal friend to me, I will still feel disappointed, the whole gist here is that the level of closeness and the strength of the relationship determine the intensity of disappointment I experienced. Actually, I really don't know how I should react.

Let's put it this way. I know it's not a desirable habit, but yet, I can't exactly stop this person from doing it. It's like a battle between autonomy & freedom and my conscience. That person has the right to choose how he/she wants to live his/her life, what he/she wants to do, what he/she thinks it's good for her. Yes, that's the person's freedom. On the other hand, my conscience will bug me everyday if I let this issue continues. I know I can stop this, but yet, I have to respect the person's decision. Why is it so tough?

Sometimes, I really don't know what to do. I want to help, but if that's the final decision, do I have the power to stop you? I guess not. I don't want to give up because I don't like it when people give up on me, so I can't do this to you either. I just hope that you will wake up to your senses someday and see what others are feeling. Don't blame yourself for what has happened, but take some time to reflect. That's all I can say, because honestly, my conscience is really eating me alive..





thatmethodishauntingmeagain..

Alive.

I've decided to public my blog once again, don't ask me why, I can't figure out the reason either. Don't ask me why I private it for the past few days or maybe even a week, because I won't answer. I guess I just wanted an outlet to vent out all my thoughts that I feel that it's not exactly appropriate for others to know, only my close friends will know what has been going on in my life lately. Of course if you are wondering what exactly happened to me, I can only say it was the toughest period of my life. Everything felt so wrong, everything felt so unreal. I thought I will just lose myself.  What I can say is, I managed to survive with the help of my close friends, who never gave up on me although I know some of them are running low on their patience.

I'm mos thankful to the group of people who stayed by my side during these past few days, supporting me in every single way that they can. Without them, I guess I will still be doing what I've been doing.. I'm sorry for hurting them and I hope it's not too late to realize that I've made a wrong and bad move. I made a promise, and I will make sure I keep to it and will never break it. It will be tough for me in the first place, but that doesn't mean I will resort back to that method again. I will try, I will control and I won't give up! :) I don't want to hurt those who care about me anymore, and I certainly don't want to see them going all worried for me, that's not how I should love them. If I love them, I should stop. It's time for me to break away from everything that have been binding me and taking away the happiness that I should feel. I shall not bury myself in unwanted thoughts anymore.

I will hang in there, just like that little hamster in the picture.

Career Talk!

Career talk was a huge success! Thank you to all those who have contributed, be it in whatever ways, all the help rendered are still greatly appreciated! <3

To my dearest group mates, thank you for all the effort & time to commit into this project. We are a group, and I am really thankful to have you guys as my group members. You guys are amazing <3 

Losing Grip.

Ever had the feeling that someone important in your life is slowly drifting away from you and you start to questions yourself what went wrong? I don't like the feeling either. It's like I've fought so hard to make things right, and yet, things are still going in the opposite direction. I'm keeping many things inside of me, faking way too many smiles that I have no idea how does a "genuine smile" feels like anymore.. I keep myself busy everyday so that I will not recall or remember things that bring back the pain and hurt. I've make it a point that I don't want to share with others how I feel or how I am struggling anymore, such things are better off kept to yourself. The more you share it, the more trouble it will create. I don't want more troubles to surface anymore, I'm tired of putting in all my efforts to make things better when at the end of the day, things still remain as they are. To err is human, but how many people can actually accept our mistakes and treat us genuinely?

It feels terrible when you feel like you're actually losing grip of someone who means so much to you. What hurts the most is not the part about losing the grip, but the part on unable letting your feelings to be known to that person because it will hurt others. I wonder as you read this post, can you even figure out that I'm referring to you? I wouldn't say it's you that's giving me that nonchalant attitude, but rather, it's me.. I don't like to talk much around you, don't wish to see you around me because there are many things that I don't want to remember, don't want them to remind me of what happened, and most importantly, things that I don't want to admit to. If it's possible, give me a break. That's all I ask from you.

I'm not gonna tell anyone about the struggles I am facing because as time passes, I realized that it's no point telling others how I am exactly feeling. No matter how many descriptive words you use, how much intensity there is on your tone, how much exaggeration you include in the words, they will never understand how you are feeling. Let's just say, everyone experiences different feelings, just sadness alone has so many different intensity, so many different pain and hurt, it's hard to explain your feelings to someone who has been through that situation, it's even harder to explain to someone who has never come across such situations. I really don't like how I am feeling and acting lately, because it's just not me anymore. I don't want to lose myself because of the overwhelming emotions, and yet, I don't want to get out of it because it has become one of my coping mechanisms. Contradicting, you must be kidding. I've been managing all the struggles and pain lately through immersing myself in my emotions and by not talking for hours, it will slowly integrate to my coping routine.

When I want to care and love for someone, I can't because I think too much for the others, afraid that they might get hurt because of my actions just because of past issues and their level of sensitivity. If I'm once again driven to a corner, I will end up avoiding you and this someone because all I feel is misery when I am around the both of you.  Don't ask me who, because if you know me well, you know who I am referring to.

That's it. I'm tired of life.