Sandwiched.

No, I am not hungry. I had tapioca cake for dinner, so nope, I am not hungry. I don't really eat sandwich, so nope, I am still not hungry. I had a sandwich picture because I am feeling SANDWICHED. To put it in lay man terms, I am caught in the middle. Why be surprised I ask myself? It's not the first time that I've feel this way, it has happened for many times in the past anyway, so why am I still bothered by it? I guess the only reason that I can think of is that I care, I care way too much. I seriously hate being sandwiched between people, especially those whom I love very much.

It's like asking me to choose between two of my favorite breads, I can't make a decision because I love both equally, and I don't want anyone to feel left out or unfair. Sometimes, decision-making kills especially when it involves people. You have to care about their feelings as well, not just your own feelings and thoughts. It's like if I follow this person's wish, I am going to neglect another's. I don't like to choose, I don't like to decide. The only thing I do is to follow my conscience. But even so, I will still end up hurting people. Life is always contradicting itself. Screw it.

I've found out a piece of news recently that well, doesn't really surprise me because I somehow figured it out. It was more of a disappointment to me. I saw it coming, but the main reason I was disappointed was because that person means a lot to me and hearing something like that wasn't exactly a good news at all. I mean, even if that person is just a normal friend to me, I will still feel disappointed, the whole gist here is that the level of closeness and the strength of the relationship determine the intensity of disappointment I experienced. Actually, I really don't know how I should react.

Let's put it this way. I know it's not a desirable habit, but yet, I can't exactly stop this person from doing it. It's like a battle between autonomy & freedom and my conscience. That person has the right to choose how he/she wants to live his/her life, what he/she wants to do, what he/she thinks it's good for her. Yes, that's the person's freedom. On the other hand, my conscience will bug me everyday if I let this issue continues. I know I can stop this, but yet, I have to respect the person's decision. Why is it so tough?

Sometimes, I really don't know what to do. I want to help, but if that's the final decision, do I have the power to stop you? I guess not. I don't want to give up because I don't like it when people give up on me, so I can't do this to you either. I just hope that you will wake up to your senses someday and see what others are feeling. Don't blame yourself for what has happened, but take some time to reflect. That's all I can say, because honestly, my conscience is really eating me alive..





thatmethodishauntingmeagain..