Losing Grip.

Ever had the feeling that someone important in your life is slowly drifting away from you and you start to questions yourself what went wrong? I don't like the feeling either. It's like I've fought so hard to make things right, and yet, things are still going in the opposite direction. I'm keeping many things inside of me, faking way too many smiles that I have no idea how does a "genuine smile" feels like anymore.. I keep myself busy everyday so that I will not recall or remember things that bring back the pain and hurt. I've make it a point that I don't want to share with others how I feel or how I am struggling anymore, such things are better off kept to yourself. The more you share it, the more trouble it will create. I don't want more troubles to surface anymore, I'm tired of putting in all my efforts to make things better when at the end of the day, things still remain as they are. To err is human, but how many people can actually accept our mistakes and treat us genuinely?

It feels terrible when you feel like you're actually losing grip of someone who means so much to you. What hurts the most is not the part about losing the grip, but the part on unable letting your feelings to be known to that person because it will hurt others. I wonder as you read this post, can you even figure out that I'm referring to you? I wouldn't say it's you that's giving me that nonchalant attitude, but rather, it's me.. I don't like to talk much around you, don't wish to see you around me because there are many things that I don't want to remember, don't want them to remind me of what happened, and most importantly, things that I don't want to admit to. If it's possible, give me a break. That's all I ask from you.

I'm not gonna tell anyone about the struggles I am facing because as time passes, I realized that it's no point telling others how I am exactly feeling. No matter how many descriptive words you use, how much intensity there is on your tone, how much exaggeration you include in the words, they will never understand how you are feeling. Let's just say, everyone experiences different feelings, just sadness alone has so many different intensity, so many different pain and hurt, it's hard to explain your feelings to someone who has been through that situation, it's even harder to explain to someone who has never come across such situations. I really don't like how I am feeling and acting lately, because it's just not me anymore. I don't want to lose myself because of the overwhelming emotions, and yet, I don't want to get out of it because it has become one of my coping mechanisms. Contradicting, you must be kidding. I've been managing all the struggles and pain lately through immersing myself in my emotions and by not talking for hours, it will slowly integrate to my coping routine.

When I want to care and love for someone, I can't because I think too much for the others, afraid that they might get hurt because of my actions just because of past issues and their level of sensitivity. If I'm once again driven to a corner, I will end up avoiding you and this someone because all I feel is misery when I am around the both of you.  Don't ask me who, because if you know me well, you know who I am referring to.

That's it. I'm tired of life.