Friendships.

I couldn't emphasis more on how much my friends means to me, they're really important in my life. No words can accurately express how thankful I have them in my life. For those who have left, I'm thankful you gave me a really wonderful experience and memory of all the times that we've shared. I don't know why I'm blogging about this, it just came to my mind probably because I was being asked two questions earlier during the break in class when I was playing the truth game with my friends. Everyone's important to me, sometimes it's just hard to decided.

Anyway, I just want to share some quotes which I really love about friendships :) Hope that it can benefit or enlighten someone in some way or so.

"Friendship can only be measured in memories, laughter, peace and love."- Stuart and Linda Macfarlane 

"When two people are at one in their inmost hearts, they shatter even the strength of bronze or iron. And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts, their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids."- Ching

"I'm not strong. She's not strong, but together, my friend and I make the strongest force in the known universe."- Linda Macfarlane

"True friendship is like sound health, the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."-Charles Caleb Colton

"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."- Aristotle 

"A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you all the same."- Elbert Hubbard

Yep, that's about all that I wanna share today, I'm just gonna go back to my group dynamics revision now :) Gonna head to school tomorrow to study. Goodnight! 

Still The Same.

Today is just another average day for me, lots of thinking done though I've promised myself not to be bothered by the thoughts till after exams. It's just tough at times, when that issue is the ONLY one that's troubling me as of now, throwing away exams worries. Anyway, had revision lectures today and found out there there's actually A LOT to study >.< I'm glad that my lecturers gave revision lectures so that I know where to zoom my focus too! Went to TCM again, and sadly, my leg's condition is still the same.. NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Side track a little, I had the shock of my life last night, at 8pm. There was a miscommunication between my lecturer and group because of the word "postpone" O_O To me lecturer, she meant to postpone the discussion, NOT the presentation, and for my group, it was the opposite >.< I had to mass send a text to my entire class to inform that the the tutorial is cancelled, feel so sorry for creating such a huge mess. SORRY :(

Anyway, I have a presentation to do tomorrow, and I need to prepare for it, kinda impromptu, but I believe that my group can do it! :D Gahhh, haven't had the time to revise on my group dynamics! I don't know what else to type now~ my brain isn't functioning well tonight. BRAIN DEAD. 

Hmmm, so I'm addicted to cards shuffling, and I'm still learning how to do so. I'm like getting sleepy now... But I still have to prepare for presentation and revise my work.. SIGH. My house is really noisy now, I have no idea where I have find my peace and concentration. Ugh, save me! Anyway, this is a short post I know, just gonna leave it as it is before I feel less stressed to post. Need to wake up early tomorrow since I have to be in school by 8am.. GOODNIGHT WORLD. 

isthisreallytheend?

arewereallyoutofeachotherslives?

willthingsbebetterortheywilljuststaythesame?
maybeiamreallynotneededanymore.

This is my favourite dish :) 

I'm trying to shuffle this pile of cards :D NEVER GIVE UP!

Improvements.

Aye mates :) I'm feeling a little better and more positive today, except for the fact that I received a text from my friend which said, "You know, it would be nice if you just text me first every now and then." Hmm, the whole point is that when I text her first, she don't reply at all, on the other hand, when she text me first, I reply within seconds. Maybe it's once again, my fault that I didn't take the initiative to text her. I'm sorry.

Putting that aside, today was a pretty fine day for me. I've promised myself not to think about those worries and troubles that's inside me, and just focus on those positive thoughts and studying instead :) seems like I'm doing well so far. I shall just leave things till after exams and decide what I should do by then. There's no point burying myself in those thoughts and assumptions now, it just doesn't help me at all. I will leave them all aside as for now and well, who knows what's gonna happen in the future. Anyway, I was given the chance to purchase cigarettes today which made me all excited because it was my first time buying cigarettes! I didn't bring my IC along so I was a little nervous that the shop owner will not let me buy because according to some of my friends and my mum, they have all agreed that I don't look like 18 years old at all T_T how nice. It was a good experience overall. The second part was me going to buy the lottery. I don't know if I should be happy that I'm 18 now, knowing that my mum will ask me to do things that only "above 18" can do. It feels queuing up with all the adults and elderly in front and behind of me and I'm the youngest of them all.. There's just this insecure feeling inside me. This time, I remembered to bring my IC along just in case the staff wants to check O_O In the end, the staff did not check my IC, which makes me feel 18 years old for once :D

Lunch today was AWESOME! My mum's friend cooked abalone and cuttlefish porridge today :) It was super tasty! I ate 2 bowls of the porridge because the ingredients that he used are all my favourite! ^^ I love the overall taste, I don't know how to explain the taste, it's just tasted heavenly. Hmmm, I need to control the amount of food that I eat since I can't exercise recently due to my leg. PLEASE RECOVER FASTER! Yep, so I tried studying at home, and it went well in the beginning, and I got a little distracted after some time because there were people playing mahjong at my house and the entire place was packed with my parents' friends D: It's a little too noisy for me to tolerate so I went to McDonald to study! I guess it was my lucky day today because I met two Caucasian guys, really hot and good looking! One of them looks like Cody Simpson and another one look like Justin Bieber, just that he's the adult version of Bieber ;) Woohoo~ MELTING MUCH! I swear I eat like a pig at times, I ate so many things today and I'm starting to grow fat!

Okay, so I played poker cards with my cousin, blackjack, big 2 and another game which requires you to flip the card open and have to make sure that the number of the card is congruent as the number the player said :) It's somewhat a stressful game, but it's fun! :D Both of us laughed like mad and my mum gave me a "why do I have such a crazy daughter" look. Oh, I forgot to mention, my cousin dropped my phone today and it makes me sad because that was the first time my phone kissed the floor :( ahhh, it's first kiss is gone just like that D:

I'm gonna head for dinner now, and hopefully I can continue with my revision in peace. Whee~ Cheerios!

Wrong Move.

Sometimes in life, it's just so hard to predict what's down the road no matter which direction you are heading towards. For me, be it going left or right, I guess things are still going to be the same, they remain. Nothing will change no matter what I try to do. Just before I start to rant and complain or just share about my thoughts, I want to thank this friend of mine, she surprised me asking if I was free earlier when I was in class, and she took me outside and prayed for me. She wanted to pray for me 2 weeks ago, and today, she managed to find the time and the right opportunity to approach me. As she was saying the prayer, I teared.. At that moment, I felt time has stopped and reminded me how things have transformed... I just wanna take this chance to thank her.

"Dear Charmaine, 

Thank you making me feel safe and stronger with the prayer that you shared with me. I really appreciate your efforts and I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me. This is the first time that I've encountered such an act from my friend. I will remember all that you've said to me. God loves and cares for me no matter what happens. I'm precious to him no matter who I am. I believe that I will be able to find the strength to pick myself up again because I have God's help, your support as well as all my friends' encouragement. Thank you for today. It has brought a smile to me face. You'll always be the amazing and crazy friend in my life!"

I thought my thoughts will be more positive today, looks like I'm wrong once again. I can't help but to feel that I'm really not needed in some people's lives. I care, but if I care at the wrong time, it's useless and it's just going to worsen things. I don't know if I should even continue to care, I don't know if I should continue to pray for hope. The road ahead of me is so uncertain, the road ahead of us seems to be broken and no matter how much effort is injected to fix it, the cracks remain and nothing will get better. Someone please tell me if I should even continue to show my care and concern because it's weighing down on me. If I'm not needed, please tell me. If I should just stop caring and leaving people alone, please tell me. If my presence is something unwanted, please tell me. I hope I have the courage to move forward, letting go is not my forte. When I got over it, things around me remind me of what I've done. When I finally have the courage to let go, I contemplated and eventually go back to holding on to something that wasn't even there in the first place. Why am I holding on to something invisible? 

I've forgotten how a true smile feels like recently. I want to smile from the bottom of my heart all over again.. I want to turn the frown upside down, but with things going this way, it's going to be yet another tough battle that I have to fight and victory seems to be so unreachable. If I were to give up now, all that I've done will be deem useless and my efforts will all be wasted. If I were to continue to hold on, I'm just going to be hoping for nothing as time passes. I need to do something about it.  I need to get my head into revision and studying now. I need to get my motivation back! 

No Turning Back.

Something terrible and unpleasant happened today in class and I really hated the fact that I flared up at one of my good friends. What was I thinking? Why did I even flare up? Why did I raise my voice at her? I've hurt yet another friend whom I really treasure today and it got me thinking that I'm not really what people describe me as "a great person" or "an amazing and awesome friend". No, I'm not and I don't think I will be. There's many things in life that I've done wrongly. No matter how many times I apologized, things will never work out. People remember my mistakes more than all the good deeds I've committed..

I'm sorry for being a good for nothing.

I'm sorry for not meeting up to your expectations. 

I'm sorry for injuring my leg. 

I'm sorry for wasting your money on medical purposes. 

I'm sorry for treating you as my best friend. 

I'm sorry for disclosing my story. 

I'm sorry for telling you the truth. 

I'm sorry for liking you. 

I'm sorry for needing you. 

I'm sorry for not understanding you well enough. 

I'm sorry for not helping my sister in scoring good grades. 

I'm sorry for being such a bad daughter. 

I'm sorry for hurting you. 

I'm sorry for leaving a scar on you. 

I'm sorry for causing all the hurt and pain. 

I'm sorry for crying. 

I'm sorry for breaking down. 

I'm sorry for taking her away when clearly that you need her more. 

I'm sorry for making you worry. 

I'm sorry for being who I am. 

I'm sorry for not being perfect. 

I'm sorry for making your trust me. 

I'm sorry for being angry at you. 

I'm sorry for raising my voice at you. 

I'm sorry for telling you how I feel. 

I'm sorry for being honest. 

I'm sorry for doing things that I like. 

I'm sorry for donating money to charities. 

I'm sorry for being a nuisance. 

I'm sorry for being a irritating person. 

I'm sorry for talking too much. 

I'm sorry for caring too much. 

I'm sorry for not being the person you've always wanted me to be. 

I'm sorry for showing my true self to you. 

I'm sorry for not being strong enough. 

I'm sorry for wasting you time. 

I'm sorry for wasting your energy in beating me. 

I'm sorry for not choosing a course that you want me to take. 

I'm sorry for being stubborn. 

I'm sorry for being useless.

I'm sorry for making you feel neglected. 

I'm sorry for being there when you don't even need me. 

I'm sorry for being a busybody. 

I'm sorry for letting things turn out this way. 

I'm sorry for screwing things up over and over again.

I'm sorry for being in a bad mood. 

I'm sorry for causing you and him to divorce. 

There's way too many things in my life that I'm sorry for. No matter how hard I try, you will never appreciate my efforts. No matter how strong I am, I will eventually end up breaking down. No matter how many times I explain myself, you will always think that it's my fault. No matter how brave I am, you will always find ways to put me down. No matter how well I do in school, you will never be satisfied. No matter how much I want you to understand me, you will never try to do so. Sometimes when things get so bad that you don't even know how to share it with someone, all you want is just a hole and bury yourself in it. Yes.. I want to do that. Whether people can find me hiding in the deep hole, it's no longer important to me. Sooner or later, I'm going to transform back to who I was before, the one who has a smile that feels heavy, the one who keeps things to herself. I've spent my time getting out of that boundary, and why now, I have to step back in again? 

Since young, you've always pushed the blame to me, even though it's my fault. As time passes, I've learned not to explain myself even though it's not my fault, I've learned how to accept all the blame that was being pushed to me, and I've learned how to take the blame even though it's not fault. I thought things will be fine if I just listen to you and take the blame, but as I grow older, I realized that I can't find happiness in blaming myself. Every time something happens to my friends or those people around me, I will automatically think that it's my fault. I've learned to take the blame without anyone telling me to. Right now, I feel guilty whenever I pushed away the blame because I've grown up this way. There's just one logic in my life that you've planted in me: "No matter what happens, it's always my fault." Last time, I was too naive that's why I thought that if I push the blame to myself, you will not be angry at me or the others. But right now, this logic that you've imparted me is suffocating me, I want to get out of this... You're right, I'm just a good for nothing, I'm just someone who will never be able to gain your recognition, I'm just someone whom you will find it hard to appreciate... I'm sorry.

Go Crazy!

Hello! :) Hope everyone is doing well during this festive season! Today is a really great day for me. Although my CNY mood isn't really there, I guess this year's CNY was a pretty memorable to me! :) I'm a little sick of having steamboat now, I have it for lunch and dinner for 3 days, and I'm luck that there's no steamboat for breakfast. Imagine having eggs, bread, cheese and others in the steamboat. GRRRR.

Anyway, I made a trip to Shir's house today :D I had an awesome time at her house eating prawn rolls and dancing along with my friends. It felts so good seeing some of my friends today, really miss them dearly! I'm looking forward to go to school tomorrow because I get to see all my lovely friends! <3 I love playing Kinect, I don't know why, I think it's a good form of exercise and it's fun. You can get your friends to play with you if you're playing Dance Central! Mike danced to some sexy song today, I didn't expect him to dance to it since it's so feminine and sexual. I think that my classmates all have the potential to dance! I love how we danced along to the songs, and laughing at the moves when it gets too sexy for us to take it! FUNNY! Shir's mum is really kind and awesome, she ordered KFC for us even though I didn't really eat. I NEED TO GO ON A HEALTHY DIET! Anyway, all my friends' mums are really awesome ladies. She even gave us red packets. Thank you auntie! And to Shir, thank you for inviting us to your house and for the warm hospitality. Your family is really awesome!

I left the place early because I need to head back home and help with the cleaning of the house. My mum is very particular about cleanliness. She organized a steamboat lunch at home and there was tons of people, so it's inevitable that the place gets dirty a little. Kids are there too, so dirtiness will be present! Anyway, my mum is extremely good to me today. She reserved half of the abalone for me today :) THANK YOU MUMMY! Dinner was alright for me because I didn't a lot, the abalone made me full. Another thing, being cooped up in a room with 5 kids is not an easy job. I have to look after 5 kids on my own, with everyone running around, chasing one another. GAH. But it's okay, I need to have patience if I want to work with young children in the future. They eventually listen to me and I taught both of them not to resort to violence no matter what happens. I feel so old today. No, more like wise ^^

This is the abalone mummy reserved for me! :) 

Trio :D 

Yep, I'm looking forward for tomorrow to come :) can't wait to go back to school again, I don't know why. It's gonna be fun :D Have a peaceful and enjoyable night folks :)

This is the most adorable hand towel ever! Love to see it around my house! 

Dragon Year!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! 
Hello! I hope everyone is in the CNY mood although mine's just starting.. I feel really new today, everything that I'm wearing is new, whee~ I guess most of us are waiting for this day to come so that we can wear our newly bought clothes as well as to receive red packets. I'm pretty neutral about the second part, since I can gauge how much each of my relatives is going to give. Oh well, nothing too much but at least it's better than nothing (quoted from my friend!) ;) I think what I love most about CNY is the fact that I get to wear new clothes and of course, removing the shells of the quail eggs that my family uses for steamboat! I did that yesterday for my grandma and I reckon I'm going to do it again today for my mum. I enjoy it, so it's okay!

I think I have no life because I'll most likely be cooping up in my room and revise for my test T_T I feel so lag behind and like there's not enough time to study. Sigh. For today, I will try to enjoy myself without worrying about my studies and tests >.< gonna be a tough job for me, I know. Anyway, I will be going to my grandma's house for steamboat lunch and after which.... NICE, I have no more plans for today. Probably just gonna hang around and chit chat with my cousins or just simply, stare at the television. Most of my relatives are in KL, if I'm back there, I guess I will be out from day to the night. The CNY ambiance is much stronger over there as compared to here.

So.. I was reading Yahoo! news earlier and know that MBS was awarded the "Best New Tourist Attraction" award. Proud :D I went to click on the photos and the lighting, lasers etc are magnificent, it's really breathtaking and beautiful. Congrats to Singapore. We may be a small country, but together, we're one big family! Coming to Singapore to study is probably the best choice my mum has ever made for me because I get to know so many awesome and lovely friends, and to live in a country that has wise leaders. BRAVO! I don't know why I'm saying all these things, it just doesn't fit into the CNY mood >_> I shall not be bothered, FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

Just one last thing for this post! Last night, I received a text from a total stranger, I have no idea who she was. She wished me happy chinese new year, and at the point in time, I thought she was my primary school friend whose number I didn't save. It was awkward, really.. I had to ask her who she was and she replied me with a name that got me into deep thinking last night. I seriously don't remember having a friend that has that name, and so I had to clarify with her and I told her my name. Amazingly and surprisingly, she knows my surname even without me telling her. BINGO, RIGHT THERE! This got me even more puzzled and so I had to ask her again, and it was then that I realized that she has a friend who has the exact same name and surname as me -_- How coincidental! So I made a new friend because of mistaken identity and wrong number, which to me, it's pretty cool. She's also a Manchester United fan like me! Dragon year is going good for me!

Anyway, I wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year! In this dragon year, I hope everyone will have a blessed and fruitful year ahead! May prosperity and good health be with everyone always :)

Believe & Direct.

I managed to find some time off my revision schedule to update my blog, feels a little uneasy when I don't blog nowadays, maybe it has become an outlet for me to share my happiness, joys and worries :) Anyway, my leg is getting better, and I'm gradually feeling like a normal human being once again because I've regained my ability to walk properly, just a bit more and I'll be back to my original state, a full and complete human! :D OH1 Just to say, Bieber's fans are called Belibers and One Direction's fans are called Directioners. I actually like these two fan names because it's pretty meaningful. One calls for you to believe, another calls for you to direct and lead. NOT BAD RIGHT?! This randomly came to my mind so I just put it as my title~

Anyway, CNY is like approaching real soon. I have yet to immerse myself into the entire atmosphere yet, it seems to me that I'm just gonna see it as any other normal day. I guess I'll most probably just head over to my grandma's house and have reunion dinner and if I have the time and if my mum allows, I will visit my friend's house, because I want to eat the PRAWN ROLL! :) I will be staying home most of the time just to revise on my work because there's a test coming up. I know I have no life, that's what many people say to me, but what to do?! If I don't study, I will feel guilty. Oh well, it's just me. I'm feeling all the stress and pressure now because it seems like there's not much time to revise for all the exams and tests. No matter what, I will press on and give it my best shot. I WANT MY HOLIDAY! I'm gonna look for a job this holiday because my money is dripping away like a running tap.  There's a high need for me to save money now! I will have to open a new bank account so that I will be more discipline to save my $$. 

I wanted to blog about something, but it so happens that it slipped my mind O_O Anyway, this is just going to be a short post because I'm gonna go back and study RIGHT NOW! Have a good weekend ahead, and of course, get loads and loads of red packets :D CHEERIOS!

OH! I Forgot!

I realized I forgot to talk about my GSM on the earlier post! >.< Anyway, my GSM, finance, isn't really that bad as it seems. It's actually pretty interesting, just that the timing doesn't call for my attention to be focused. Quoted from my lecturer, it's like "post lunch syndrome", everyone basically just gets lethargic after lunch and our attention span just gets shorten. I didn't sleep though, I paid close attention throughout the entire lecture, though I yawned a few times O_O I think I'm interested in finance, although some of the terms used are really profound and I can't really comprehend them well~ ANYWAY! Today's the last lecture for me :) which is a good thing because I can study after lessons on every Thursday!

One thing that I remembered most clearly was the sharing of bonds, unit trusts and insurances from the lecturer :) He's actually a very humorous guy, and I realized he has the "broken arm syndrome", and my friends agreed to it too! T_T He said investing in bonds is a good move since the coupon rate is quite attractive! It's basically about us, the citizens lending a certain amount of money to the government for a period of time, maximum of 20 years. I think I will invest in it after I enter the work field for 3 months :) We social worker associates don't earn much, so time is needed for us to save up a good sum of money. I'd most likely invest about $1k for a start, and once I save more, I will consider investing more! And, my lecturer told me it's pretty tough to find a trustworthy unit trust nowadays because the original concept was corrupted as time goes by. SIGH. I don't think I will ever spend my money investing on units trust now that I know how it's being function.

I've also decided to get life insurance for my parents and sisters, just to play safe, as well as other insurances that are necessary for my family. It's better to play safe since life's unpredictable, anything can happen at anytime. I learned many new things regarding to finance today and one day, IF, I ever have extra money, I will try to invest into shares. One principle of investing in shares is to read the facts and not hearsay. Some people get into financial crisis because they listen to what others say, and do what others do. Sometimes, it's all about facts, like how well the company is doing etc. Oh well, I know I don't have the rights to say too much on shares since I've attended only ONE lecture on it, but I try ;)


I'm waiting for my mum's call so that I can bring my sister out for dinner! Just wanna share this video, it's a song that I'm really addicted to right now!

Louis Tomlinson is super adorable :D The other guys are not bad too! This boy band will definitely shine in the music industry! Keep going, One Direction!

Blessed & Thankful!

Woohoo~ I'm actually in a pretty good mood today, not because Chinese New Year is just around the corner, I just feel happy! :) Maybe I've gotten my issues settled, and I'm no longer that stressed out or vexed. I've been extremely stress recently over some personal issues, and now, I've finally managed to settle it. I know now that avoidance isn't the way to solve problems in life, all I need is courage to face the music no matter what consequences it's gonna bring me. I need to face my problems, that's the only way I can solve them and make myself a better person.

Anyway, the main highlight of today was the meet up with Jim, the most inspiring and funny lecturer ever! :D Some of my classmates planned a surprise party for him as well as those who are born in January, I'm included. It was quite a surprise to me since I didn't exactly anticipate it! My friends... I don't know how I can ever describe them, all these lovely people, they certainly know how to make people smile. I'm really glad that I got into this course, without this course, I wouldn't have met all these amazing people! So.. The "party" started with some chit chatting and catching up with Jim. He seemed to has lose weight and he looks super tan now, like really really tan and this tan line is pretty obvious. Anyway, we started to prepare for "lou hei" (I have no idea how it's supposed to be spelled, the way I spelled it sounds right to me), it's a Chinese tradition that occurs mainly during the CNY period :) We got the halal one so that our Muslim friends get to try it, it's good to teach them our traditions so that we can enhanced our understanding for different cultures! I hope everyone enjoyed it! OH! Majority of us were "snatching" to eat the crispy thingy from the lou hei, it's the nicest and tastiest among the others. TYPICAL SINGAPOREANS~ My friends are just sooooo cute! :D

I received many presents today although my birthday has passed for quite some time. I appreciate all the effort and time my friends spent searching a present for me and writing cards for me. I love all the presents and cards that I've received! ^^ One of my friend pricked her fingers just because she sewed my name on the angry bird shirt! :( I can't thank her enough for putting so much effort in my present. There's only one sentence for all my friends: You guys are amazing and I love everyone of you! This year is the first year I've received so many presents and cards on my birthday, it's of course, the most memorable birthday for me too! I'm gonna keep and treasure every gifts and cards I've received. Thank you my dear friends! <3 <3

Anyway, I'm just gonna stop here for today. I need to bathe and get to my mum's friend's house for dinner because her son is celebrating his birthday! Yay, I get to see the cute little boy again! WARNING: I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE! I'M JUST SOMEONE WHO LOVES TO MINGLE AROUND LITTLE KIDS! :D Have a good day folks! xoxo

All these presents are amazing! 

I can't thank my friends enough for all these cards and presents! 

My birthday cake! Yummy~

HELLO! I'm caring! :) This is one pillow that I really treasure~