Wrong Move.

Sometimes in life, it's just so hard to predict what's down the road no matter which direction you are heading towards. For me, be it going left or right, I guess things are still going to be the same, they remain. Nothing will change no matter what I try to do. Just before I start to rant and complain or just share about my thoughts, I want to thank this friend of mine, she surprised me asking if I was free earlier when I was in class, and she took me outside and prayed for me. She wanted to pray for me 2 weeks ago, and today, she managed to find the time and the right opportunity to approach me. As she was saying the prayer, I teared.. At that moment, I felt time has stopped and reminded me how things have transformed... I just wanna take this chance to thank her.

"Dear Charmaine, 

Thank you making me feel safe and stronger with the prayer that you shared with me. I really appreciate your efforts and I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me. This is the first time that I've encountered such an act from my friend. I will remember all that you've said to me. God loves and cares for me no matter what happens. I'm precious to him no matter who I am. I believe that I will be able to find the strength to pick myself up again because I have God's help, your support as well as all my friends' encouragement. Thank you for today. It has brought a smile to me face. You'll always be the amazing and crazy friend in my life!"

I thought my thoughts will be more positive today, looks like I'm wrong once again. I can't help but to feel that I'm really not needed in some people's lives. I care, but if I care at the wrong time, it's useless and it's just going to worsen things. I don't know if I should even continue to care, I don't know if I should continue to pray for hope. The road ahead of me is so uncertain, the road ahead of us seems to be broken and no matter how much effort is injected to fix it, the cracks remain and nothing will get better. Someone please tell me if I should even continue to show my care and concern because it's weighing down on me. If I'm not needed, please tell me. If I should just stop caring and leaving people alone, please tell me. If my presence is something unwanted, please tell me. I hope I have the courage to move forward, letting go is not my forte. When I got over it, things around me remind me of what I've done. When I finally have the courage to let go, I contemplated and eventually go back to holding on to something that wasn't even there in the first place. Why am I holding on to something invisible? 

I've forgotten how a true smile feels like recently. I want to smile from the bottom of my heart all over again.. I want to turn the frown upside down, but with things going this way, it's going to be yet another tough battle that I have to fight and victory seems to be so unreachable. If I were to give up now, all that I've done will be deem useless and my efforts will all be wasted. If I were to continue to hold on, I'm just going to be hoping for nothing as time passes. I need to do something about it.  I need to get my head into revision and studying now. I need to get my motivation back!