Who Am I?

Erik Erikson's theory has finally come into play in my blog, the stage on identity vs identity confusion. I guess I'm still in this phase of trying to find out who I really am in this world. I once thought I managed to figure that out, but I guess I'm not ready to even accept my own identity for the time being.
Most of the aspects of identities are made known to me, however, I seriously have no idea who I am to myself? I always thought that I'm a good friend to others, someone who will be willing to do anything for my friends and love ones, this hasn't change. The only thing that's bugging me was the fact that I handle my friendships in a subtle manner. It seems to me that I always screw things up, especially matters related to friendships. WHY? I have no idea why, it's just in me. It's innate that I tend to do things that are harmful for the relationships that I have, and when I realized it, it's too late to do anything about it.

I'm on a phase of emerging adulthood, since I'm already 18, and one of the markers for this is actually to take responsibility of your own actions. Yes, I knew that long time ago, I bear the consequences of my actions. I should have thought more in depth that what I did was about to cause an eruption since I know, some things can never be kept in the dark for long. I was too foolish to think that I have the capability to control what's gonna happen next. 18 years of my life, and yet, I'm still unable to figure out what exactly I'm doing to my friends and myself. Am I always putting my thoughts and opinions on others? Am I always in other people's way? When something unpleasant happens, there's a tendency to blame myself for everything, no matter how many times people try to convince me that it's not my fault. It takes 2 hands to clap, there's always a percentage of fault that I contributed which caused the whole misunderstanding/issue/problem to occur, and I dare to say, for majority of the times, I'm the one who contributed the most. Because it's a matter of fact that I do not have the capability to weigh my own actions and words.

I've learned to grow up doing the right thing, and I've learned that words spoken out can NEVER be taken back. I do admit in a certain way or so, I've regret saying certain words. I'm standing right here, on this Earth, trying to piece everything properly in my life, which seems like a difficult task because everything is going against the flow that I wanted it to be. I won't push away the fault and responsibility, and I know I have to do something about it, but how? I'm starting to question myself on whether I should even have close friends in my social life, on whether I should even trust people when I share with them my troubles? Why do I seem to have lose the faith and trust in mankind, or is it for the fact that I've already lose confidence in myself that things will be better and that I can keep my friends till the day I leave the world? I'm so confused right now... Having an injured leg, preparing my scripts for presentations and studying for exams are things that keep my mind occupied day in day out. And when I cease all these activities and simply just lie on my bed to reflect, I realized, I'm not that good overall. I'm just someone who will cause misery, hurt and pain in other's life. THAT'S ALL. There's nothing I'm good in, there's not a day I can live my life without feeling remorseful. For the record, I think I'm better off alone.