No Turning Back.

Something terrible and unpleasant happened today in class and I really hated the fact that I flared up at one of my good friends. What was I thinking? Why did I even flare up? Why did I raise my voice at her? I've hurt yet another friend whom I really treasure today and it got me thinking that I'm not really what people describe me as "a great person" or "an amazing and awesome friend". No, I'm not and I don't think I will be. There's many things in life that I've done wrongly. No matter how many times I apologized, things will never work out. People remember my mistakes more than all the good deeds I've committed..

I'm sorry for being a good for nothing.

I'm sorry for not meeting up to your expectations. 

I'm sorry for injuring my leg. 

I'm sorry for wasting your money on medical purposes. 

I'm sorry for treating you as my best friend. 

I'm sorry for disclosing my story. 

I'm sorry for telling you the truth. 

I'm sorry for liking you. 

I'm sorry for needing you. 

I'm sorry for not understanding you well enough. 

I'm sorry for not helping my sister in scoring good grades. 

I'm sorry for being such a bad daughter. 

I'm sorry for hurting you. 

I'm sorry for leaving a scar on you. 

I'm sorry for causing all the hurt and pain. 

I'm sorry for crying. 

I'm sorry for breaking down. 

I'm sorry for taking her away when clearly that you need her more. 

I'm sorry for making you worry. 

I'm sorry for being who I am. 

I'm sorry for not being perfect. 

I'm sorry for making your trust me. 

I'm sorry for being angry at you. 

I'm sorry for raising my voice at you. 

I'm sorry for telling you how I feel. 

I'm sorry for being honest. 

I'm sorry for doing things that I like. 

I'm sorry for donating money to charities. 

I'm sorry for being a nuisance. 

I'm sorry for being a irritating person. 

I'm sorry for talking too much. 

I'm sorry for caring too much. 

I'm sorry for not being the person you've always wanted me to be. 

I'm sorry for showing my true self to you. 

I'm sorry for not being strong enough. 

I'm sorry for wasting you time. 

I'm sorry for wasting your energy in beating me. 

I'm sorry for not choosing a course that you want me to take. 

I'm sorry for being stubborn. 

I'm sorry for being useless.

I'm sorry for making you feel neglected. 

I'm sorry for being there when you don't even need me. 

I'm sorry for being a busybody. 

I'm sorry for letting things turn out this way. 

I'm sorry for screwing things up over and over again.

I'm sorry for being in a bad mood. 

I'm sorry for causing you and him to divorce. 

There's way too many things in my life that I'm sorry for. No matter how hard I try, you will never appreciate my efforts. No matter how strong I am, I will eventually end up breaking down. No matter how many times I explain myself, you will always think that it's my fault. No matter how brave I am, you will always find ways to put me down. No matter how well I do in school, you will never be satisfied. No matter how much I want you to understand me, you will never try to do so. Sometimes when things get so bad that you don't even know how to share it with someone, all you want is just a hole and bury yourself in it. Yes.. I want to do that. Whether people can find me hiding in the deep hole, it's no longer important to me. Sooner or later, I'm going to transform back to who I was before, the one who has a smile that feels heavy, the one who keeps things to herself. I've spent my time getting out of that boundary, and why now, I have to step back in again? 

Since young, you've always pushed the blame to me, even though it's my fault. As time passes, I've learned not to explain myself even though it's not my fault, I've learned how to accept all the blame that was being pushed to me, and I've learned how to take the blame even though it's not fault. I thought things will be fine if I just listen to you and take the blame, but as I grow older, I realized that I can't find happiness in blaming myself. Every time something happens to my friends or those people around me, I will automatically think that it's my fault. I've learned to take the blame without anyone telling me to. Right now, I feel guilty whenever I pushed away the blame because I've grown up this way. There's just one logic in my life that you've planted in me: "No matter what happens, it's always my fault." Last time, I was too naive that's why I thought that if I push the blame to myself, you will not be angry at me or the others. But right now, this logic that you've imparted me is suffocating me, I want to get out of this... You're right, I'm just a good for nothing, I'm just someone who will never be able to gain your recognition, I'm just someone whom you will find it hard to appreciate... I'm sorry.