Life.

I remembered someone once told me this: "Life is already giving you too many troubles, don't create more". Personally, I do agree with this person. The reasons why I agree are firstly, it makes sense to me, and secondly this person is considered wise & knowledgeable in my context although I've just get to know her for probably a month plus. If you ask me what does life means to me, I'll probably just answer you like this: "life means doing your fullest in everything and live it like there's no tomorrow, your own life, your own say". Everyone wants to lead they life that they want, but most of the times, we all end up living a life that we dislike. Maybe the reasons in play includes the lack of money to accomplish what you wanna do in life, insufficient time, afraid of how others might look at you etc, but to me, the most important reason would be that we are living a life according to other people's standards and expectations, not ours.

I decided to harp on this topic because of a recent incident that I came to know of, and of course, after a chat with someone who's close to me. Well, it sounds cliche to say that we should live our own life and do what we want, but in reality, it's so hard to accomplish that. We are humans, we listen to other people's opinions and views especially when they are the ones whom you trust and afraid of losing. We have the habit of doing that others expect us to do even if those things are slowly, gradually draining you and tearing you apart. I'm not saying this for the sake of saying but rather, I've experienced it and I'm still experiencing it. Take my mum for example, she expects me to be a good daughter and this means that I have to abide to everything she says no matter how unwilling I am. Not only this, she expects me to do extremely well in my studies and to always maintain in the top scorer position. Yes, she meant well, but somehow, it's not the life that I'm after, it's not a life that I'm pursing. I feel uptight and stress with all these high expectations binding me, and yet, I still go according to such expectations, silly isn't it? Perhaps that's the reason why I find it hard to commit to what I really want to do.

I think my post today sounds depressing, but still, I wanna voice out my thoughts. Let's say, someone has high expectations of you, and when you don't meet their expectations, they leave you or they try to convince others that you're incapable of meeting their needs, how are you going to handle it? Okay, sounds a little vague, let's put it in terms of "friend" context (I sound like I am giving a lecture here!). If one of your close friends decided to tell others that you're not doing a good job in being his/her friend and making others believe that you're someone who doesn't treasure your friends, what will you do? How will you feel? To put it simply, who are we to decide how one should view and treat their friends. Everyone cares and loves for their friends in a different manner. If one day, I don't talk to my friends for a couple of days, what does it implies? There's many perspectives on just this one question. Some may think that I'm ignoring and neglecting them, that's why they feel that I am not regarding them as my friends, while others may understand my plight and still stay in my life even though we've not spoken for days. I wonder which categories my friends fall under.

At times, when your friends are not giving you the attention that you need, it doesn't mean that they've forgotten about you. If you are going to leave or badmouth about me over this "lack of attention" issue, it defeats the entire concept of being close friends. If being friends with someone is all about seeking that person's attention, you are going in the wrong direction and it needs to be addressed. I don't want a friend who only wants my attention and when I neglect this need, I lose the friendship. It's too depressing and torturing for me to handle. In any case, I just hope that one day, everyone of us will have the chance to live the life that we want, even if it's for a day or just for a couple of hours :)

To this someone who thinks that you're unworthy in some people's life, please remember that you're definitely worthy in my life :)