Uncomfortable Souls.

How much can one hold inside?

How much can someone tolerate the pain and hurt?

How long can one pretend to be happy when all she can feel is pain and hurt?

We are all actors in life and we will at least have this "pretending that everything is alright and just continue to smile even though you're really hurt inside" phase in our lives. Whoever doesn't have to go through such a phase, please tell me, because I would love to borrow some of your luck and happiness that you have. 

This hectic life that we're leading makes it difficult for us to just slow down for a few minutes to observe those who are around us. Maybe the lady standing beside you in the train is having a smile one her face, but who knows what she is going through at that moment in time. Maybe the man to your right is sleeping soundly, but who knows if he is just pretending to be asleep so that he doesn't have to give up his seat to someone who needs it more. Maybe your friend is sleeping in class, but who knows if this friend of your is not using sleeping as a way to avoid all the non-stoppable and unwanted thoughts in her mind. 

Look, it's hard to distinguish who's smiling genuinely nowadays because circumstances have made us change in a way that we adapt to pain, hurt and sadness by covering all them with just a smile. Yes, a smile can hide many things, a smile can hide away all the pain, a smile can stop people from asking you questions that you are not ready to answer. A smile is the most powerful tool someone can has, it's either you hide the sorrows again or your smile is there to change someone's day. Nobody knows how someone is feeling when that person is always having a smile on, nobody knows how much hurt and pain they are bearing.. Behind that smile, they are fearful, afraid, torn apart, and heart being shattered into pieces. Who can ever see through that smile? 

Going around telling someone that you're okay when you're obviously not okay. I can tell you a thousand times that I am okay, but will you have the patience to ask me what's wrong for that one thousand and one time? Will you turn your back against me just because I refuse to tell you what's bothering me? Will you still continue to ask me what's wrong till I reveal the pain to you? Will you? I don't think someone will ever have that kind of patience to stay by your side just to ask you, "What  went wrong?". Most of us will just end up asking for a few times, and then simply choose to give up. I won't blame anyone just because they walk away when they can't get the answer they want. We are all curious human beings, when we are curious and eager to find out about something but we can't get the answer, we will lose interest in it and as time passes, we will forget about its existence. 

I'm a different person when I'm with my friends and when I'm alone, all by myself. There's this drastic change in me. I always wonder how people will see me if they happen to bump into one of those "I'm just being all alone" moments I have. Just imagine you see me walking on the street, and I didn't realized that you're walking passed me, and you happened to catch a glimpse of me, that different side of me, what will go through your mind? If you ask me if I am a cheerful person, I have no idea how to answer you because I no longer know which is the true me. Maybe I'm always having this "cheerful mask" on, or maybe, just maybe I'm really not as cheerful as people think I am. I don't know, honestly. 

As dim as it may seem, I have to figure a way out to deal with that smile of mine.

P.s. to the anonymous person who left a comment on my previous post, thank you, I really appreciate it <3

Those Silent Tears..

When you're sitting there,
with you back against the world,
all alone, as the tears start to stream down your face.

No one knows that pain,
nobody understands the hurt.
All they see is the smile that I've been trying to hard to put on.

These silent tears are the pain that I can never describe,
no matter how hard I try to stop them,
they'll end up streaming down,
reminding me of things that I don't want to be reminded of.

No idea why I am even typing those words. I guess everyone has those moments when you just want to cry because you just want to. There's just going to be a point of life when you can feel the pain and hurt all over again even if nothing triggers you, even when nothing happens. The pain is just there, the hurt is still lingering, and that explains the tears that we let it flow. It sucks big time to cry over nothing because you will just feel like a fool since you yourself can't even figure out the reason behind your tears. Why on Earth  am I even feeling this way? I shouldn't even cry when there's nothing to cry for.. I am insane. Yes, I am. I need to get a life.

If only, I can have someone whom can lend me a shoulder to lean on as and when I want it. Maybe, just maybe, things will be a little better for me. But life has too many ifs.. I shall not demand or request for too much.

I like this picture a lot :)

One Step At A Time.

No matter what is it, I still think that we all should take it step by step. There's no point in rushing things when ultimately, you're still going to screw it up. Yes, taking one step at a time requires a lot of patience especially when you're eager to know the outcome, to see if it's really what you've been waiting for. I have the tendency to rush things because I am impatient. Actually, I have no idea why I even post about such a thing, I was being random, as always!  In any case, we should take things slowly, good things are worth the wait, isn't it? Although most of the times, for my context, majority of the good things never reach me. They have decided to take a U-turn or simply, they never had the intention of reaching to me.

Yesterday was the last presentation I had with my project group, S.C.E.N.E. I love working with this group because everyone is as crazy as me, although most of them are crazier than me! This group is always filled with laughter, smiles, craziness and fun! I really love the working dynamics of this group. I am thankful that I have such understanding group mates especially during the times when I just sleep during the meeting or simply not having the mood to contribute to the projects. They are amazing people and I am really glad that we managed to survive through all the projects together <3

Our presentations may be over, but this unique bond that we share will never be over :) thank you guys!

Went to school today to study and to play badminton! Was tiring, but it was still some fun in the midst of all the hard work! It was a pretty productive day for me, and I love the accomplished feeling! YAY!

Alright, I should get going now, I need to prepare my script for my final presentation on Friday :)

Just some really cool, nice and awesome photos for you guys!

I love this picture a lot, and I have no idea why! 

Being "bullied" here, look at how fierce she can be!

Am I Being Myself?

I realized something when I am talking to someone recently. It's like I can't say what I want to and have to control my words and replies just because I am not sure if my words will be seen as hurtful or superior. It kinda sucks when you can't say what you want to, especially when someone is important to you. It's not that I don't want to say what I want to, it's just that I don't want to hurt someone with my replies. It has been a few weeks since I'm bugged by this thought and feeling of me. Just why am I feeling this way?

My friends said it's either I am scared of the person or someone is being too sensitive/uncomfortable. I think I am just scared, and I shall not say why I'm scared because it will reveal way too much. Sometimes, it's just that this fear of me is preventing me from saying things that I want to say... SIGH. I seriously think that I have an issue with myself, I am always picking on myself.. I really don't want to change anything right now although I know I'm not really been myself when it comes to talking to this someone via the virtual world. Maybe it's because of the past, that's why I am feeling what I'm feeling right now. Maybe because I am afraid to lose this person that's why I am so careful with my words. The more I am afraid to lose this person, the more I am cautious with my words, and sometimes, my actions.. But does this mean that I am not being myself? I am just tired of losing people whom I love.

Who's not afraid to lose someone who is dear to them? Just who?

I have to revise my replies over and over again in my mind just to make sure that the reply sounds appropriate enough and that the person who receive the reply will not feel offended.

OH. HOW FORGETFUL.

I am such a forgetful person, oh well! *sigh*

I remembered a few incidents that has happened over the past few days when I was bathing. I always remember things or inspiration hits me whenever I am bathing, this is not the first time. It seems to me that I will have to bathe before every exam starts so that I can remember all the information better, sounds like a plan! The toilet has become a place for me to regain my memory!

The reason why I had a new post is because I don't want to make the previous post too wordy and I am too lazy to press the "EDIT" button!

Anyway, I went to the TCM like.. I think 2 days ago to have my wrist checked. Amazingly and surprisingly, the injury was serious enough to affect the other areas like my back and my neck. I wanted to just have my wrist checked the other day and the doctor told me that my back might be affected since it's interconnected, true enough, she was right. My back was aching like nobody business.. I thought it was just a small injury, totally didn't expect it to worsen or affect other areas. Our body is fill with wonders! I have yet to check on my previously injured ankle as well as my knee.. Time for a full body checkup.... SOON! That was the most painful experience ever in my 18 years of life, the way she rubbed my back, hand and neck was as if I've done something so wrong to her! But, she said I was a better pain bearer than my mum! YAY! SORRY MUM.

Next thing that I remembered was that I went for grocery shopping with my mum and sister yesterday and spent about over $70.. Thank goodness we brought this one card along which has a few credits instead that's why we were able to offset the amount :) So we ended up paying about $66 or so.. I brought glutinous balls, Listerine mouth wash and cereal for myself! I love grocery shopping because it's fun. I have a hunch that I'm born to be a housewife. I had black pepper chicken chop for dinner last night and my mum was pretty amazed that I managed to finish it in such a short time. OH MUMMY, I WAS JUST BEING HUNGRY, YOU SEE.

I bought a hair serum by Silkpro and because of it, I love my hair now. It's so smooth and soft and the amazing thing is, I've only used it for a day! It's the most effective hair serum I have every purchased in my life, not that I've bought a lot last time.. but yeah :) It cost $9.50 and I guess it's a good deal for me since the results are to my expectations! GOOD JOB.

Just in case you are wondering how does the serum looks like, this is it:

It's just a small bottle, around 55ml :) just a few drops and you will feel the miracle on your hair. I just sounded like a salesperson for that product. This is what happens when you study too much on marketing. Oh, how I love my hair, love my hair, love my hair!

I think that's all... If I ever remember again, just read the first sentence of this post :) BYEBYE.

Take My Hand~

Let me first apologize for being on hiatus for a few days, I wanted to post yesterday but the tagging of photos on Facebook made me feel too restless and lazy to even type on my keyboard. I got sick and tired of pressing the keys because I have to press so many keys while tagging photos! *rolls eyes* In any case, I helped my friend tagged over a 300 plus photos last night, and honestly, it was a tedious job..

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS! This goes to prove that I am not lying about the photo tagging part ;)

Many things has happened over the past few days and as usual I can't really recall most of them so I shall just talk about my work for today! Wait, before I even start to share, DO I NOT LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO STILL STUDY SOCIAL WORK? Like seriously, most of my colleagues got a shock when I told them that I am currently studying Social Work, and they all gave me a "OMG, are you kidding me?" look, SERIOUSLY?  (oops, sorry, I got addicted to the word "seriously" like seriously because it has become a serious case for me so I have to use the word seriously to show the seriousness of the serious case. THANK YOU!) Okay, back to my work, one of this male colleague started to make fun of me and he keeps calling me "social worker", was annoying at first, but somehow, I like the title :) PROUD TO BE IN SW COURSE! \m/

Oh, lunch was awesome for me today because the assistant manager gave me his meal since he is fasting. I ordered Seafood Chilli Crab Pasta. It tasted heavenly, no joke! Somehow, stupidly, I went to get my glass of coke without taking into consideration that I might have to date the toilet if I were to drink that and to eat my chilli crab pasta at the same time. True enough, I visited the toilet just RIGHT AFTER my lunch! HOW EFFICIENT IS MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM! That's not the main point, the main point is, this guy named Nigel got jealous and pestered me because he didn't get the chance to eat any main course over $8.90. *evil laughs* WHEE~ oh oh oh! I have to say about this Nigel guy, he approached me as I was having my lunch and asked if I smoke. Being an all time good girl, I said no and that is the TRUTH! He asked why don't I pick up smoking because it will make me feel more relax and clam. Do I even look stress in the first place? Seriously, this is like the first time someone has asked me to smoke. Negative peer influence I'm guessing?

Mushroom baked rice with curry sauce :) this was my lunch last Saturday! 

Fish cutlet dry noodles :) my lunch for Last Sunday and yesterday! 

Seafood chilli crab pasta :) my lunch today!

I have no idea what to share about now, so I guess it's pictures time!

My awesome sister :) 

I swear this will be the first and last time you will ever see my in this hairstyle! 

Add caption

No idea why, but I think I like this photo ;) 

No, I am NOT sleeping during lessons, it's AFTER lessons! 

When lessons get a little too boring and dry... 

Just For Fun!

I am currently in school and I have no idea why I even reached school so early when lessons are only starting at 12pm.. I guess I just don't want to stay at home that's why! I am so used to going to school early that I will feel weird and funny if I don't go to school early. I have been reaching school by 9am everyday for this week. I am so used to it now. Oh well, I guess my body is adjusted to waking up early now. Not exactly sure if that's a good thing. I need more sleep, I realized that. I have been falling asleep while I'm studying and had to ask Hor Kuan to call me if I don't reply her by a certain time.. Sigh, this is how tired I can be.

I feel like a slacker now because my friends who are sitting beside me are all working hard for their projects, and here am I blogging my time away and doing nothing. I have a confession to make, I have been eating way too much recently, especially during breakfast. For yesterday, I ate 2 waffles, a plain and a cheese one in school, before that, I bought Sausage McMuffin from McDonald's and I ate a slice of bread at home. What's happening to me? I am really eating a lot for breakfast. I need to control my appetite in the morning. I am hungry now, I WANT FOOD. This is a WANT, NOT a need. Oops, too much marketing revision!

I can't blog in peace right now because Hor Kuan is disturbing me, she "ninja" the keyboard, typing random letters on the screen! (she is doing it now again!) She has been disturbing me since last night, about me and Wen Yang, so to her, both of us are a couple now just because we went for a swim together in school last Friday, I have a feeling she will continue to disturb me about this issue. I shall contain it... *take deep breathes*

hello i just heck her blog. (that was typed by her O_O)

I am so lazy to continue blogging now, I want to eat sweet, I WANT GUMMY BEAR. BYEBYE.

Hi, call me Miss Prawn!

Hi, yes, my new nickname is Miss Prawn. It's a new nickname given by my manger today because I manged to sell a good 5 plates of our restaurant new dish- Prawn Arrabiata! It's a promotion in conjunction with the Singapore Food Festival and it's going at $12.90. It's prawn pasta with spicy tomato sauce base and is only available this month! HAHAHA. I just promoted the dish via my blog. Anyway, my manager was pretty impressed by that and so she gave me that nickname! The concept behind this is that, whoever manage to sell the most number of plates of the pasta will receive $5 tips, and of course, I took up the challenge. It was fun, I am constantly promoting the dish to the customers although I get rejected most of the time T_T

Okay, I found out that our new branch manager came up with a new system, the SUMMON SYSTEM. Sigh, this system is as good as not paying us at all. For ever mistake that we make, we will have to for out $4, like seriously? If you didn't shout your lungs out when someone shout "KUNGFU HERO", lady luck is on your side, please hand $4 to the manager. This is just but one example of a mistake that the staffs can make. Everyone gets so stress up over this new system because we have to be really really alert and cautious. How can we still enjoy work this way? OH WELL. There's nothing I can do but to abide. But but but, she said that I've done a good job in promoting to the customers about our new promotion, which made me really shy because she did it in a group of people. I gave a really awkward smile! 


WHEE. AND I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I'VE FINALLY RECEIVED MY PAY. JEALOUS? 
JUST ASKING.

I went for a jog today after work. So I jogged from my house to Kallang MRT and back to my house, it was a good 40 minutes jog, love it :) Always feel accomplished when I can jog for more than 30 minutes! I shall try to aim for an hour of jogging session and gradually increase the duration to ensure that I can endure during the Standard Chartered half marathon run!

OKAY. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I FEEL LIKE POSTING PICTURES.

ENJOY.

This is my Primary 5 class photo. I look like a nerd T_T 

This is what Hor Kuan can do to me when she is feeling stress and needs some entertainment! 

I have a lot of respect and admiration for this guy :) Best lecturer ever! 

Class photo after AGM 2012!

We're secy and we know it! ;) 

And OMG, RAINIE YANG IS GOING TO HAVE A NEW ALBUM SOON. 

I AM SUPER EXCITED. 

LOOK AT HER NOW, SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL!

I LOVE HER NEW HAIRCUT!

Standing Back Up.

This is going to be a pretty long post I think, because I haven't been blogging constantly these few days.. In any case, can I say that many things had happened lately that I could feel myself slipping away? It's like things have changed so drastically and I'm slowly changing to someone whom I don't even know anymore.

Before I continue to share about why I said those things above, I just wanna congrats my friends who have successfully completed their events on Saturday as well as yesterday, which is a Monday! For the Saturday event, OHANA FUN, I must say I really enjoyed myself pretty much. The interactions with the IMH patients were meaningful and a good experience for me, at least I know how comfortable I am when I am interacting with them and also to know where I can improve on or what I should take note in the future when I get the chance to interact with them again! It was like an amazing race concept, so basically running is a must in the entire event. Of course, I led my group around, running crazily and wildly and completing the stations like a boss! It was fun, I love it. The best part was towards the ending when the event has ended and  the group in charge was having a session with the lecturer. The sky picked the right timing and decided to cry its heart out during that time period, and even without walking under the rain, you can get drenched, like you've just come out of the pool.. I WAS SO DRENCHED. I was shivering like mad but I refused to put on any extra shirt although I have a few, mainly because there were kids under the shelter was well and I thought that it will be better if they have the shirts to cover themselves so that they won't catch a cold.

I LOVE OHANA FUN.
OHANA MEANS FAMILY. AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND.
The team who organized this event did a really good job :)

Okay, as for the event yesterday, it was SWANS first Annual General Meeting (AGM) organized by my friends. I'm really proud of them because they've done a fantastic job. The flow was good, the food was nice, the speakers know their stuffs well, just to sum up, a really good job by them! *smiles widely* There was this part of the meeting whereby the participants will have to vote for the chairperson and the vice chairperson for SWANS and I must say, a big thank you to all those who have voted for me. Thank you for trusting me that I can do a good job in being a chairperson although I am still doubting my ability. I'm really thankful for all those who have voted for me, thank you, I will do my best and not disappoint you guys :)

Besides saying thank you, I want to apologize to the people whom I've neglected. You guys cared so much for me and yet, I chose to ignore and neglect your efforts. I am sorry. I know it's late to cherish and treasure when someone has decided to leave. I'm really sorry. No amount of apologies will express how sorry and how regretful I am, but I will change and make it all better. It's hard to help me if I don't want to help myself, so I've decided to face up the problems and issues that I've been avoiding and help myself. I guess that's the best way to show that I do appreciate their care, concern and help.

I will stand back up again.

Busy!

I just realized I haven't been posting lately.. I have been reaching home late and was too lazy to turn on my laptop and update my blog. So sorry about it. I can't really recall what has happened over the past few days, but as you can see from the picture above, yes, I fell sick.. I have no idea why, but I guess it's due to the bipolar weather. First it gets warm and all of a sudden, it's raining so heavily. It's so hard to predict the weather lately. Of course, I haven't been taking good care of myself and hence I fell sick. Down with flu, cough and sore throat, definitely not the best way to get pass my weekends, especially when I have to work.


I shall just randomly talk about events that I can recall.. 


The first thing that came to my mind was that I haven't been in a good mood lately ever since I exposed that deep, dark secret of mine.. I do feel better in the sense that I have someone to turn to and this someone will at least know the reason behind my pain and tears, because I must say, it wasn't easy to actually reveal the truth to someone, especially when it's something you don't want others to know and has been keeping it with you for more than 10 years. Sigh, every time I'm alone, that incident will just keep replaying in my mind and yes, there for my mood.. Can't seem to control my mood lately, and the frequency of my clenching my fists just get worse. I really have no idea what to do about it.. Just so confused and lost.

Okay, let's not talk about the sad part of my life, life is too short, it goes on no matter what. I got prank twice a few nights ago, twice in a row, I feel like a fool, but well, it was fun and I'm sure those who tricked me felt entertained as well since they are all so stressed up about their programme. I don't mind being a fool if they are able to find some relaxation and fun in it. It's either I'm too gullible or I am just too kind to let them trick me!

Firstly, they told me that Charmaine's laptop crashed and all the important documents were gone, and of course, I got a shock and panic big time. And Ey told me that Charmaine's is about to cry, so I tried calling her because I got too worried and guess what? I can't get through her phone because there was no reception so I ended up calling Aaron instead. Just before he picked up the call, Hor Kuan told me that Aaron just mind f*** me, so I was just -_- throughout. I felt so silly, but yet, it was a fun experience, I'm weird.
Secondly, Hor Kuan tricked me that it was her who was on the phone with me when clearly it was Ey. She hanged up my call just because I said I heard Ey's voice instead of hers, and of course, I can differentiate their voices, she didn't believe me. BUT! She told me the truth eventually and I feel so smart. I have something random to say, I wanna be psychic because it is so cool! 


I think my knee is aching again.. SIGH.

Moving on... I finally went swimming today! It was so fun although the water is too cold for me to swim in. I did about 14 laps.. My normal routine is about 20 laps, but I was shivering inside the water so I got off earlier. OH! I stayed in school till about 8pm today just because I didn't feel like going home early, I like to stay in school till night time because the night sky is pretty! I think I am seriously getting very forgetful lately. I brought home Hor Kuan's iPod today and totally didn't realized it until she dropped me a call. I GOT A SHOCK. I went out of school without carrying my shoe bag and had to run back inside to retrieve it. How forgetful can I be?

I shall off my laptop soon and study for a bit before going to bed. I have work tomorrow at 10am and gonna head down to Bishan Park to help out with my friends' event. I hope they everything will go well for them tomorrow! All the best <3

Btw, I created a collage of one of my project groups :) Here is it!

Photoshoot!

Today was probably that one day that I took so many photos! My group was supposed to visit Dignity Kitchen to complete our video as well as to discuss about the special needs project, and guess what? We ended up taking photos like crazy, although some are actually for proper and important usage. Ever since we started to take pictures, the addiction just won't stop so in the end, we started to take our own pictures using our own phones, that was totally epic! It was supposedly our "project day" and somehow, it became our "photoshoot day". Nevertheless, it was still a productive day because we managed to get most parts of the video done and we even did our marketing project.. Alright, that was because we didn't have wifi connection so we can't research much on Dignity Kitchen.

Anyway, before I post the photos for today (I won't be posting all because there's like more than 100 photos), this is what I had for lunch today at DK! :)

Yep, that's right, it's fish & chips! :)

Oh, and I woke up with a hurting knee so most of the times, I'm limping instead of walking normally.. Sigh.

Hold up, we came up with a syndrome for Charmaine. It's called Crazy Charmaine Syndrome (CCS). The symptoms are as followed: 

1. Painting her knees with multiple colours as though she is advertising for Skittles! 

2. Talking, smiling, laughing by herself. 

3. Coming up with fables and entertaining herself. 

4. Repetition of words and never know how to stop.

HAHAHA. Those are just some nonsense Nicole and I came up with in the midst of project because as usual, Charmaine was being crazy.. She needs help, oh well! 

Here are the SOME of the photos from today! 

It's time to study once again, I need to rest my knee or I won't be able to walk tomorrow! Byebye~