Memories.

I've been spending way too much on Twitter and often, I came across this phrase, "Memories stay, but people change." I totally agree with phrase. So many incidents have made me realised that memories are something to be kept forever and that even if things changes, the memories don't.

Anyway, I managed to catch up with my secondary school friend today through text messages and we talked about the problems that we have in school, well, mainly friendship issues. Just like me, she has some internal issues with her friends and seem to be struggling to keep this friendship going. Both of us really want to save the friendship, but just don't know how to. She pointed out a point today that I've been waiting for. She said that, "I thought the friendships I make in JC life will be better and stronger since everyone is almost grown ups now and more mature". Well, I do agree with her, because I have this thinking too, when I stepped into poly life. Somehow, I'm a little disappointed as I'm destroying my friendship rather than building it and making it strong. Sigh, really wanna do something about it, I've been racking my brain hard for a solution.

No one wants to break a friendship that is strong and stable, every human being on Earth wants friends, not enemies. And I want a friendship that can last till the day I die, I thought I've found it, but somehow it was being ruined in my own hands. I should be blamed for that though, not gonna push the responsibility and blame away. Of course, every friendship will has it rough times, it has happened to me before with my best friend (the one whom I mentioned earlier). It took us quite some time before we talk to each other again and become close friends once again. Having mention that, it was due to my another friend's help that I actually manage to reconcile with my best friend. The solution was a hug, a really really tight and warm hug that made me realised the importance of that friendship, and how strong and stable it is. I always believe that a friendship that can withstands fights, quarrels and disagreements is a friendship that is as solid as gold, as hard as diamond. And because of this, I've made a pact to treasure all the friends I have. I'm still trying hard to work on this, and I hope I'm given a chance to.

On a lighter note (actually it's stressful for me, not really light), I have to make a trip down to Buona Vista just to get my tuition grant deed signing done. It's so troublesome and annoying because I have to go there for only about 30mins? They must be kidding me, oh well, once I get this done, I wouldn't have to worry about my school fees anymore, which is a good thing!

Yep, done with today's post, have a good night peeps! ^^

Meanings.

Today is just another "I want to be alone, so please don't mess with me" day for me. All that I hear is my unreasonable scolding and all her so called "truths" which she insist are right. She is pissing me off greatly today and she claimed that I was showing her attitude, but with all due respect mum, you're the one who is showing my attitude by commenting on every single thing I do or say without even a slight respect, so who's not respecting who now? This is how life will be for me will I turn 21, and I will move out of this "living hell" and lead a brand new life. I need the strength to block out all her harsh comments and unreasonable reasons.. Look, I simply don't understand why she thinks I'm at fault when it comes to my sister's education/studies, and why she has to control every single word that comes out from my mouth. I have the freedom to say what I want to, even if she doesn't wanna hear it, she can ignore and not put me down with her "I am always right and you are always wrong" attitude. At many times, she makes me feel like I'm born a mistake and never deserve a place in this world. Forget it, I shall not talk about this anymore or my blood will start to boil again~

Alright, that was a long paragraph, so on a little note, my friend posted something on my Facebook which is related to my name, and it goes this way:

"Elaine is a name filled with mystery, usually a black haired person. She is really someone to be kept throughout the life as she will reward you with loyalty and love. Elaine is known to speak her mind and hold strong opinions. Elaine can be stubborn and she is the most beautiful girl to have walked on Earth. She is sexy and understanding, simply the best person in the world."

So this is what he posted on my wall, and there's a few things that I wanna say with regards to this short paragraph. Firstly, I will never ever agree with the part on me being "most beautiful" and "sexy". Physical attractiveness is just not my thing, and I have to say that I'm not beautiful or sexy, these 2 terms don't go well with me. I will prefer being called "crazy" or "hyper", I think they suit me better. In any case, people have different definitions of being beautiful, so it doesn't matter if I'm ugly or pretty, because I'm born this way and to me, I'm average. And I wouldn't deny that I am a stubborn at times, usually my stubbornness comes in play when it involves other's feelings. I can be pretty stubborn in my own decisions especially when it concerns others' happiness. In such cases, their feelings will be considered first before mine.

Well, I do have my own stand on certain things, but my thinking isn't totally rigid. I accept other's feedback, opinions and suggestions as long as they seem valid and reasonable to me, that's the basis. I wouldn't deny anyone of their effort to come out with something new, everyone deserves to be recognized for their effort! To add on, I am not the best person on Earth, the best person on Earth is every individual on Earth because they are unique in their own way and this makes them the best. My friends are the best on Earth because they have helped me a lot in my life and without them, I would have probably been long gone from this world.

And lastly, yes, I can be quite a mysterious person, because I tend to keep my own feelings and thoughts to myself just because I don't want to hurt anyone or say the wrong things at the wrong time and commit silly mistakes. It's actually quite hard to understand me and the way I think in many aspects of life. It's just like a movie, you can make a guess about the ending, but you will never know if it's right unless you watch it till the very end, and sometimes, it can be pretty surprising. This applies to me as well, you can guess about my character and thinking, but if you were to give up halfway, you will never know the real me. I'm not saying that it's impossible to understand me fully, anything is possible, it's just a little tough that's all. A friend of mine has already did it, and she is almost close to understanding me inside out. She can predict my moves accurately and that's something I call "amazing".

So I got a little curious what else does my name means so I went to search for it and to my amazed, my name was actually originated from France, which means, I have that tiny little bits of French-ness in me! That explains why I'm so interested in French culture, or so I guess. In French, my name means light. And so, I continued my journey on searching the meaning behind my name, I wouldn't say that it's 100% accurate since there're so many Elaine-s in this world, and everyone is different, it's just like a basic overview about me I guess. After reading up, all the research that I've read points out a point that the name "Elaine" creates a friendly, charming and sociable nature. I'm not quite sure if I am those sociable type of person, but I try not to create a tense and hostile environment.

It seems to me that I've shared a lot on my name today. There's more to me, of course. People don't really understand me mainly because of 2 reasons.

1. I don't really share a lot about myself unless that person asks me or if I'm really close to that person. If I were to share, the list just goes on and on. Even if I share, I wouldn't really share a lot, because the more you share, the more people will know about you and, they can make sure of your weakness and make life "miserable" for you. But I'm slowly adapting to it and believe that every human being can be trusted.
2. I am not confident on myself, in the way I share about myself. It's either I'm too paranoid or it's the truth. I dislike the looks, the stares and the "You're weird, I'm staying away from you" feeling. That's why I choose what I share and what people will feel comfortable knowing.

Of course, it's hard to be able to find someone who can understands your fully, I'm just hoping someone will, or at least make an effort to, because I've made a promise that I will try to understand each and every single one in my life that I know, no matter how tough it will be. Everything deserves a try yea? Holy crap, a long post just about this c.c Time for me to go off and enjoy my night with my music. Peace!

Screwed.

Whenever I have the strength and courage to stand back up again, something is bound to happened to push me back down all the way to the bottom of the pit. Look, I'm really tired of having to struggle to get up and move on, it's draining my energy away, and my mental strength isn't that strong anymore. It wasn't easy for me to get over the past and recent issues, and now, I have to deal with them once more, this is going to be a huge joke, yes it is.

I hate how my good intentions were being seen as something mean and undesirable, it's not the first that it has happened, many times it had, I just never speak up or tell the truth. I meant well, but the feeling sucks when all people do is to put me down, thinking that I'm out to make them feel bad. Did anyone even bother to ask me about it? Sometimes, by me remaining silent, it doesn't mean I'm not hurting, in fact, most of the time when I'm keeping quiet, people never feel the pain in that silence, they just take it as I'm alright. Yes, and because of that, I never tell people how I'm feeling because they will always end up being ignored. At many instances, I just wanna show the weaker side of me, but, it's tough, really.

It's not really my forte to isolate myself, I just had to do it at times because that's the only way people actually bother to pay attention to how I feel. Why do I have to even resort to such manner to make my feelings known? I find it pathetic, not the people, but myself. Why am I afraid to say what I want to? Why do I have to feel bad about the things I've said when I know they're all the truth? Why do I even bother to care so much about how others feel and pretend that I am alright? I can't answer these questions because it's just me, I want others to feel good and happy, so I just push the entire blame and sadness to myself. I don't wanna be seen as noble, I don't wanna be seen as stupid or dumb for doing all these, I do because I care and I guess sometimes, it's really hard to care while neglecting your own feelings. The Samaritan side of me is gone, I don't wanna be good to people anymore...

I should just shut up and not comment on anything, not to say about anything and keep everything to myself. I've realised, the more I say, the more I am going to hurt people and make their life miserable and terrible. Maybe I'm not a very good friend after all, I'm nothing but just a fool to fall for what I believed "everything will be alright", because no, things will never get better.

Holidays & Plans!

I'm still trying to recover from the lack of sleep due to the sleepover, oh well, given the amount of sleep I can each day, I doubt I can ever have enough rest. It's fine, at least I'm enjoying life and doing things that I like. I haven't plan much for the holidays, probably just a few activities lined up for me, hopefully they will all come true as I want them to!

I'm glad NCSS finally reimbursed the school fees to us because I have been freaking out recently about the sum of money I gotta return to my kind and thoughtful lecturer. Now that I've got the money back, it's time for me to return it to him, at least it can remove the heavy weight that I've been carrying. I shall head to the bank on Monday since there will be fewer people. And I honest;y hate having stomachaches in the morning, when I just wake up. Alright, that's a little random, but I just gotta share it.

I'm gonna go back to photography and drawing during this holiday since they have been my hobbies years ago~ It's a good time to sit down, relax and draw, and to travel around Singapore to snap nice scenery pictures. Having said that, it's time for me to read up on photography and get a new set of lens for me DSLR! This will lead to shopping spree when I return to KL! Can't wait for it! I don't think I'm gonna work for this holiday, I need a good break and rest to recover emotionally and physically, I don't mind doing volunteer work though! Oh, just recalled that my class is going to help out with the Heart Foundation health screening, seems really interesting to me, it's gonna be a good experience! It seems to me that my holiday is gonna be filled with zest and it's gonna be meaningful.

Alright, so my friend randomly asked me to go Queenstown with him just to get his boots for his rugby training, he thinks I'm too free, well, actually I am. It's good to head out and catch a breather, at least it's better than coping up at home and stone there like a zombie -.- I need to make good use of time! Frankly speaking, I have not been to Queenstown before so I assume it will be a good trip down and hopefully, that place is going to be an eyeopener for me! I shall try to control myself and not spend money on shopping when I'm there, self control is needed and encouraged!

Well, guess I'm gonna head back to KL for my cousin's wedding and for shopping! I seriously need new pants, shirts, socks and shoes for my school, or it will seem to others that I'm running out of clothes (which is true, to a certain extent) I'm gonna have a super long shopping list and buy all that I want, and one thing I want to achieve in my trip back to KL this time, to get something small for the people whom I'm close to in class. Well, it's just KL, everyone can go there, but buying them gifts is just a form on sincerity. The item/object isn't really that important, what matters most is your heart.

Oh! And something for me to look forward to is the period of time when I'm home alone! My parents will be going overseas, which means I'm going to the the queen of the house for a few days! Not really a "official queen" since I have to do all the housework and laundry alone! STATUS INCONSISTENCY! Sorry, I still have not got over the "Sociology Fever" >.< Well, even so, I'm gonna make full use of these few days that I'm alone, maybe arrange a movie with my classmates! I wanna watch Smurfs, I think they are adorable!

Though it seems like there's a lot of fun, the true fun will only begin after 20th September, the day when I get to know my results. Hopefully I will do well, 'cause in my opinion, I don't think I did well, I slack way too much! Sigh.

Uncertainties.

There are so many uncertainties in life, so many things can happened at the same time and what makes it worst is that it happened at the very time that you didn't expect or anticipated it. Maybe that's what life is all about. This is gonna be a long post since I have not posted for a day, many things can happen in a day~ And I'm feeling really sleepy at this point of time, hopefully my eyes will co-operate with me and let me finish posting before it gives up on me.

Anyway, I spent a night at my friend's house and had a really fun, whacky and crazy night there with all the laughter, food and friendliness her parents portray. I think that her mum is like the most awesome parent ever that I have encountered so far, she is nice and generous, wish my mum will be like her, well, at least 60% similar to my friend's mum. Ha, maybe I should quit complaining so much about my mum and cherish her before it is too late. Having to think of it, my mum isn't that bad after all. I can never imagine myself sleeping at like 4am in the morning and spending less than 8 hours of sleep a day, and the consequences to this are:

1. Feeling like a zombie
2. Always finding a place to sleep
3. Zoning out
4. Brain is not functioning well

Of course not everyone will feel the way I do, it's just me. It's a good experience to have a sleepover~ We watched Titanic too, and once again, I have to admit that this movie NEVER fail to make me cry. It's sad and so touching. On the way to my friend's house, I isolated myself from my group of friends, reason being, not because I want to get attention from other people, but rather, I wish to be alone and just sort out my thinking. Maybe it's not a bad thing to be alone at times, somehow I feel a little better after being alone although the problems are not solved. It's gonna take a long while before I can actually recover fully.

I didn't stayed for the class BBQ, just didn't feel like staying and I really don't have the appetite to eat. I haven't been eating much lately, and I don't really wanna eat. I kept to my promise and went for the party, so I hope I didn't get you into trouble, anyway, it doesn't seem to me that you're affected by my departure, so I guess things are alright. I walked to the MRT station alone, with so many thoughts in my mind, and I can't seem to get rid of them. I think my mental strength is depleting and I need to regain it soon. Holidays are finally here and exams are over, I don't think I'm gonna do too badly or too well for this semester's papers. I'll probably spend the entire holidays doing self reflection and blame myself for all the stupid mistakes that I've done.

And to answer your question to why we still kept on thinking ways to save your brownie, the only explanation is that, because that is your hard work and as your friend, we don't wanna see your being disappointed. If you were to look yourself in the mirror, you would have saw that downcasted face on you, and it's true that your brownie is tasty and that it's really delicious, so we shouldn't waste your effort, it's isn't that bad actually~ And don't mind me for being a busybody, it's just my character.

Sometimes, I wonder if things will be better if I didn't tell you anything at all, but if I don't, am I still treating you as my friend? Dilemmas still keep me confused till this very moment and I'm still trying to figure a way out. It's not that I'm being a coward, it's not that I don't have the courage to apologise, it's not because my pride weighs over our friendship, it's not that I don't want to apologise, it's just that I don't know if one "sorry" can eliminate all the misunderstandings and unhappiness that we have, and I don't know if it will save our friendship because we are humans after all. One "sorry" doesn't solve everything, one "sorry" doesn't bring back the memories we used to share, and one "sorry" doesn't mean that you can forget all that has happened. If I have the chance to, if you are willing to give me that few precious seconds, I would put down everything I have and apologise to you sincerely, without a second thought or hesitation.

Probably it's useless for me to say all these things 'cause I always fail to convey my message, thoughts and feelings correctly.. I hope, one day, you will understand me better and vice versa and not just see the outer me, my inner world is more complicating that you think it is, it's a struggle, and I know everyone has their struggles. I will just wait for the suitable time for us to be friends again, building a strong, solid and stable friendship.

Really tired now, think I'm gonna hit the sheets soon. Nights people.

Cast Away.

This week has just been so dramatic and crazy for me and another friend of mine, and I realised how true is it when people says, "Some words are better left unsaid". I kinda regretted telling you how I felt and I guess there is no turning back. Well, you've stated your stand, told me how you feel and I hope you are feeling better now that you've threw everything out. You've made me see how foolish can stubborn I can be, perhaps it's a good thing. But I wouldn't risk our friendship for anything else anymore, it may be pretty superficial now, oh well, I shall try to make things better again. I can't turn back time, and the least that I can do is to be there for you if you need someone to talk to. It's not like you are going to tell me anything anyway, so I guess I'm pinning my hopes a little too high again. The higher your hopes are, the harder you will fall when it turns out to be a disappointment.

Sometimes, I really ponder who I really am in life, I've seen to lost myself in this world filled with lies, disappointment and hatred. Do I really live for myself or have I always been living for other, doing things for others to make them happy and risk my own feelings, neglecting them like they are not a part of me? I told myself that things are gonna get better, and I'm starting now to have the confidence in life again, someone need to just slap me hard and tell me that I'm wasting my time on stupid thoughts. Who's gonna do that for me? I remember how nice it was to walk under the rain and just let your thoughts run in your mind, and somehow, things seem to be clearer whenever I'm done walking under the rain. Sadly, it hasn't been raining recently, so if it rains, I think I should walk under it, get sick and live my life all over again. I shall anticipate the brand new me after the rain.

I figured out that you know me better than I know myself, sometimes, you said things that has never crossed my mind and those words hit me so hard in the face, and that's the time when I really need to reflect on my own actions, thoughts and feelings. Maybe just like you, I've been living in a unreal world, filled with fake smiles and a manipulative side of me. I'm not putting a strong front, I've just learned to be strong, force myself to be strong no matter how hard life is. I hate the feeling of falling down and your world just turn into darkness in split seconds, I've been through those times before and I want to leave them behind me. I've hurt too many people in my life and if I keep doing so, I will just go back to the path I used to walk, I wanna change and I am trying to.

It has been a long and tiring week for me, still contemplating if I should go on Friday, kinda looked forward to it, but just gave myself many excuses and reasons not to go, what am I even afraid of this time? To be honest, I think the only answer and explanation to it will be that the guilt in me is overpowering my ability to think straight and to face people. There's like another layer blocking in front of me, and it's not gonna disappear until I've got the courage to face people again. And since I made a promise that I will attend, you can mark my words for that, but what's gonna happen, I have no promise.. I hate the old me, the one who only know how to make people worry and hurt others with my actions, words and feelings, I'm gonna cast that away and hopefully, I will be able to go a better job this time round.

Holidays are round the corner, maybe I should take a break and travel overseas and sort out my thinking and do what will be the best for me. Perhaps, I just need sometime alone and to drown myself in water and music to think properly. I think I need to let out a scream while facing the open sea, and just cry my heart out. I need to have a good cry.. I really need that or the next moment you see me, I will be at the front page of the newspaper.

One day, I will recover, I will go back to the happy cray me. One day, I will cast away all the troubles that I've been keeping inside of me and be strong again. One day, I want the others to know that I'm someone whom they can depend on whenever they need help. And this day, will be soon. I shall quit being so sentimental or emotional, or I will never see my smile anymore. Yes, I am alright, everything's cool. Yep, peace out.

Sorry.

I had a pretty reflective night tonight and thought of sharing my thoughts here and there's so many things that I wanna say to my friends, especially the 2 close ones that I have in my class. I've been giving it a good thought tonight and realised that no matter how hard life is for me, there's someone else out there who has a fate that is worst than me, I should be contended in life and look on the brighter side of things. My friend's right, she said that I have people around me who really cares for me and will be willing to help me out, so why in the first place did I push them away? For that, I apologise sincerely, and I promise to cherish each one of my friends I have, 'cause they mean the world to me!

True enough, things have not been the best for me, and I've said many silly and foolish things, living in a world in which I reject other's help, maybe this has something to with my pride. How much does my pride cost when I have a bunch of good friends who are willing to go through thick and thin with me? It's time for me to spare a thought for my friends, and stop making them worry about me. I've regained the confidence in life and I know that no matter what happened, I have them with me, and to me, it's all that matters. I appreciate and treasure all my friends, they are the ones who have taught me how to stand up strong again no matter how many times you've fallen down..

Friends have been the supporting pillar in my life, without them, I would probably lost my lives and not be here now. My friends are my life, and I would do anything for them, as long as they are happy and safe. I've wasted a lot of time on unnecessary thoughts and actions that have unknowingly or knowingly brought harm and pain to the people around me, I'm sorry. Please accept my apology and forgive me for what I've done that hurt you guys.

For my badass, if you are reading this, I just want you to know that you've been a really great and awesome friend to me. You've helped me out during my darkest times and I really appreciate all your words of encouragement. And I'm sorry for the times I've hurt you with my actions and words, though things are different now, you're still the one I treasure and our friendship is something that I will never want to lose. We have only known each other for 4 months plus and I know that you are one of the friends that I can trust and let me just say, you know everything about me that others don't know because you're my best friend, my close friend. Maybe you are going through a hard time right now, having some confused and troubled moments in life, just know that I am always here for you. Even if you don't need my help or don't feel comfortable in telling me your problems, just remember that when no one cares, I do. This is one line that you said to me that I will never forget because it has given me the strength to re access my life again and make me see things from a brand new perspective. Thank you! I know I'm not the best friend that you've ever met, but I am not someone who will leave you in the lurch when you are troubled. I'm not superman, I don't have super powers or skills, all I have is a heart that is always open for you and share the love with you and a pair of ears that will always be available no matter when you need it. Feel better soon~ You're not alone (: You love me for who I am, and that's what I'm gonna tell you too, I love you for who you are, and always will. This is a promise from me to you.

For the tiny little smurf who is always there for me when I needed someone to talk to or just rant about my life, thank you for all the time you've spent with me, making me feel like I'm special and can bring joy to the people around me. I used to deny the fact that I can bring happiness to people, guess you've made that a point to me now. Thank you! It's really rare to find a friend who will always stay by your side no matter how unreasonable, moody, bad tempered she is. You've done a good job on that, and thank you for tolerating all my complaints over the past few months, your efforts are greatly appreciated! You know you can count on me when you need help 'cause you are one of the 2 closest friends I have in class, if I don't help you, who else will? You've done a lot for me and I just want you to know that your efforts have never been gone to waste, not even one. You've influenced me to think in a positive manner and approach other ways of thinking and solving a problem. I'm a stronger person now so you can cast away all your worries for me! Cheers~ (: Study hard for exams!

Okay, this is such an emotional post, so sentimental, ha, but whatever I've said here, I mean it and I hope my friends can understand me a little better by reading this. These are words that I've been wanting to say, hopefully they can read it. I love all of you <3

Best Friend.

Penknife used to be my best friend last time, what's my best friend now?

When I was still in primary school and when I first entered secondary school, I remember those hard times that I had, and most of the time, I resort to using physical pain to numb myself.. Penknife was my only "friend" during that time, but no one ever figured out what happened and it has became another secret hidden in me.

My past has made me strong, in term of physically 'cause I can never feel physical pain like others, yes it hurts, but I never pay attention to it. Physical pain is nothing to me anymore as I grow older, I can get punched by my mum and just let it be and not be bothered by the pain, I rarely go to the doctor even if I have a deep cut or a broken/sprained bone. I think my body is screwed.

I always thought that the past has left me, and it's all behind, why is it creeping back in now?

Final Lap.

Finally done with the ethics paper and it was a relief since there's is not gonna be much to write for Sociology paper. I think I kinda screwed up my ethics paper, especially with my handwriting, but oh well, what's done is done, I shall just throw that aside and just focus on the upcoming paper. I don't really have the mood to study for Sociology, but I will have the sense of guilt if I don't study. Something's wrong with me, really really wrong. Maybe I should head for a nice shower later and study at night, where's my motivation?

Okay, moving on, so I headed to Nex with my friends to buy the president's collection egg tarts because my mum wants it, never understands why she is so into such things and headed to pizza hut for lunch (which is considered as "lunchnner" for me since it's my lunch and dinner). Had some crazy moments in the restaurant all thanks to Char. She's one crazy friend that I have, but proud of it! Oh, and then me and Win headed over to "Build-A-Bear-Workshop" to get an advance birthday present for Ting, it's just like another moment of 17 years old kids trying to retrieve their lost childhood, oh well, what's more to say when we are all in huge need for a "happy childhood"?

Anyway, there are still many unsorted thoughts in my head and trying to figure a way out. I've actually given up a long time ago, so why should I even bother now? I'm thankful that these thoughts left me alone during the 2 hours paper today and since now I'm free, shall let it invade my thoughts again. I shall go take a shower before I start sharing about my past, should I?

Bedtime.

Probably just another post before I head to bed 'cause I am that confused in life. Starting to feel that all the energy in me is slowly draining away, and it's using up soon. Maybe I just need a sleep. to regain my energy.

What you've said were right and I wouldn't deny that, I just hope you understand that given my current plight, no help can be done onto me, so stop trying and just give up. I got your message clear and well, and I know what you are driving at. It's just me, I choose to be alone for the time being till I can see the right path that I wanna take and find the real me in life. It's just a role-confusion crisis that I have.

There're many things in life that are not withing our control, even when we do, it's just a limited control over certain issues that we encounter. I've chosen a path that people will disagree to, but I'm just gonna go with it. I chose it, I face it. That's all I can say. There's still exams tomorrow, so I guess I will hit the sheets soon so I won't fail to wake up and do badly for the paper. Nights world~

Lost.

Okay, so I decided to have a blog 'cause that's the only way I can describe how I feel, maybe or maybe not, I really don't know, it's just seems to me that I needed to blog down my feelings and reflections.

Yeah, so anyway, I spent about 30 mins standing under the running water of my shower trying to sort out my thinking, yes, I know it's a waste of water, but that's the only way that I can think clearly and properly. I will pay for the additional charges of the water bill this month. I stood there and my mind was filled with thoughts that has been bothering me for a long time. Somehow, I feel lost in the world that I'm living in and still battling to find a way out. I always have the tendency to think that I'm the main cause of problems for those who are close to me. It's a wrong mindset, but what can I do when it's overwhelming me and proving it right when I thought it is wrong?

They say women tend to complicate things and I agree with it, not because we want to, but we just want to find the truth behind everything. I think I'm hiding a lot from the people who are close to me, and I tend to shy away from them whenever I have troubles. I wouldn't deny that I still share a few of my troubles with the, but most of them, they are kept within me and I don't think I will ever tell them how I truly feel. I guess I'm not someone who wants to gain empathy from people just by telling them the problems that I'm experiencing, I would prefer them to have a happy life and one less worry. That's my philosophy. No matter how hard life is for me, I will at least try my best to cover the emotions that I'm facing, especially the negative ones... I still feel the loneliness that I used to feel a few years back ago, and it's getting stronger each day.

Maybe things will be a little different if I were to have a better self control, oh well, what's done is done and there is no turning back. Maybe I'm destined to be alone, maybe I'm destined to feel that I'm alone in this world despite having friends who really care for me. I'm a different person when I'm with my friends/in school and when I'm at home. I just never seem to good side of me, I think I'm gonna start pushing people away again like how I did last time because I don't deserve them. Never mind, it's exams period, shall deal with it when everything is over.

I'm gonna go drown myself in music again, hoping that things will get better soon. I finally understand how tough it is to be someone whom you are not..