Cast Away.

This week has just been so dramatic and crazy for me and another friend of mine, and I realised how true is it when people says, "Some words are better left unsaid". I kinda regretted telling you how I felt and I guess there is no turning back. Well, you've stated your stand, told me how you feel and I hope you are feeling better now that you've threw everything out. You've made me see how foolish can stubborn I can be, perhaps it's a good thing. But I wouldn't risk our friendship for anything else anymore, it may be pretty superficial now, oh well, I shall try to make things better again. I can't turn back time, and the least that I can do is to be there for you if you need someone to talk to. It's not like you are going to tell me anything anyway, so I guess I'm pinning my hopes a little too high again. The higher your hopes are, the harder you will fall when it turns out to be a disappointment.

Sometimes, I really ponder who I really am in life, I've seen to lost myself in this world filled with lies, disappointment and hatred. Do I really live for myself or have I always been living for other, doing things for others to make them happy and risk my own feelings, neglecting them like they are not a part of me? I told myself that things are gonna get better, and I'm starting now to have the confidence in life again, someone need to just slap me hard and tell me that I'm wasting my time on stupid thoughts. Who's gonna do that for me? I remember how nice it was to walk under the rain and just let your thoughts run in your mind, and somehow, things seem to be clearer whenever I'm done walking under the rain. Sadly, it hasn't been raining recently, so if it rains, I think I should walk under it, get sick and live my life all over again. I shall anticipate the brand new me after the rain.

I figured out that you know me better than I know myself, sometimes, you said things that has never crossed my mind and those words hit me so hard in the face, and that's the time when I really need to reflect on my own actions, thoughts and feelings. Maybe just like you, I've been living in a unreal world, filled with fake smiles and a manipulative side of me. I'm not putting a strong front, I've just learned to be strong, force myself to be strong no matter how hard life is. I hate the feeling of falling down and your world just turn into darkness in split seconds, I've been through those times before and I want to leave them behind me. I've hurt too many people in my life and if I keep doing so, I will just go back to the path I used to walk, I wanna change and I am trying to.

It has been a long and tiring week for me, still contemplating if I should go on Friday, kinda looked forward to it, but just gave myself many excuses and reasons not to go, what am I even afraid of this time? To be honest, I think the only answer and explanation to it will be that the guilt in me is overpowering my ability to think straight and to face people. There's like another layer blocking in front of me, and it's not gonna disappear until I've got the courage to face people again. And since I made a promise that I will attend, you can mark my words for that, but what's gonna happen, I have no promise.. I hate the old me, the one who only know how to make people worry and hurt others with my actions, words and feelings, I'm gonna cast that away and hopefully, I will be able to go a better job this time round.

Holidays are round the corner, maybe I should take a break and travel overseas and sort out my thinking and do what will be the best for me. Perhaps, I just need sometime alone and to drown myself in water and music to think properly. I think I need to let out a scream while facing the open sea, and just cry my heart out. I need to have a good cry.. I really need that or the next moment you see me, I will be at the front page of the newspaper.

One day, I will recover, I will go back to the happy cray me. One day, I will cast away all the troubles that I've been keeping inside of me and be strong again. One day, I want the others to know that I'm someone whom they can depend on whenever they need help. And this day, will be soon. I shall quit being so sentimental or emotional, or I will never see my smile anymore. Yes, I am alright, everything's cool. Yep, peace out.