Lost.

Okay, so I decided to have a blog 'cause that's the only way I can describe how I feel, maybe or maybe not, I really don't know, it's just seems to me that I needed to blog down my feelings and reflections.

Yeah, so anyway, I spent about 30 mins standing under the running water of my shower trying to sort out my thinking, yes, I know it's a waste of water, but that's the only way that I can think clearly and properly. I will pay for the additional charges of the water bill this month. I stood there and my mind was filled with thoughts that has been bothering me for a long time. Somehow, I feel lost in the world that I'm living in and still battling to find a way out. I always have the tendency to think that I'm the main cause of problems for those who are close to me. It's a wrong mindset, but what can I do when it's overwhelming me and proving it right when I thought it is wrong?

They say women tend to complicate things and I agree with it, not because we want to, but we just want to find the truth behind everything. I think I'm hiding a lot from the people who are close to me, and I tend to shy away from them whenever I have troubles. I wouldn't deny that I still share a few of my troubles with the, but most of them, they are kept within me and I don't think I will ever tell them how I truly feel. I guess I'm not someone who wants to gain empathy from people just by telling them the problems that I'm experiencing, I would prefer them to have a happy life and one less worry. That's my philosophy. No matter how hard life is for me, I will at least try my best to cover the emotions that I'm facing, especially the negative ones... I still feel the loneliness that I used to feel a few years back ago, and it's getting stronger each day.

Maybe things will be a little different if I were to have a better self control, oh well, what's done is done and there is no turning back. Maybe I'm destined to be alone, maybe I'm destined to feel that I'm alone in this world despite having friends who really care for me. I'm a different person when I'm with my friends/in school and when I'm at home. I just never seem to good side of me, I think I'm gonna start pushing people away again like how I did last time because I don't deserve them. Never mind, it's exams period, shall deal with it when everything is over.

I'm gonna go drown myself in music again, hoping that things will get better soon. I finally understand how tough it is to be someone whom you are not..