Screwed.

Whenever I have the strength and courage to stand back up again, something is bound to happened to push me back down all the way to the bottom of the pit. Look, I'm really tired of having to struggle to get up and move on, it's draining my energy away, and my mental strength isn't that strong anymore. It wasn't easy for me to get over the past and recent issues, and now, I have to deal with them once more, this is going to be a huge joke, yes it is.

I hate how my good intentions were being seen as something mean and undesirable, it's not the first that it has happened, many times it had, I just never speak up or tell the truth. I meant well, but the feeling sucks when all people do is to put me down, thinking that I'm out to make them feel bad. Did anyone even bother to ask me about it? Sometimes, by me remaining silent, it doesn't mean I'm not hurting, in fact, most of the time when I'm keeping quiet, people never feel the pain in that silence, they just take it as I'm alright. Yes, and because of that, I never tell people how I'm feeling because they will always end up being ignored. At many instances, I just wanna show the weaker side of me, but, it's tough, really.

It's not really my forte to isolate myself, I just had to do it at times because that's the only way people actually bother to pay attention to how I feel. Why do I have to even resort to such manner to make my feelings known? I find it pathetic, not the people, but myself. Why am I afraid to say what I want to? Why do I have to feel bad about the things I've said when I know they're all the truth? Why do I even bother to care so much about how others feel and pretend that I am alright? I can't answer these questions because it's just me, I want others to feel good and happy, so I just push the entire blame and sadness to myself. I don't wanna be seen as noble, I don't wanna be seen as stupid or dumb for doing all these, I do because I care and I guess sometimes, it's really hard to care while neglecting your own feelings. The Samaritan side of me is gone, I don't wanna be good to people anymore...

I should just shut up and not comment on anything, not to say about anything and keep everything to myself. I've realised, the more I say, the more I am going to hurt people and make their life miserable and terrible. Maybe I'm not a very good friend after all, I'm nothing but just a fool to fall for what I believed "everything will be alright", because no, things will never get better.