Long Way To Go.

I'm not quite satisfied with the things that are happening around me recently, I thought it could be better, yes, it should be better if I didn't screw things up in the first place. I wouldn't blame anyone that bad things happen in my life because it's fated to be, but sometimes, things are just so overwhelming that they can suffocating and my energy are depleting in trying to fight away the unwanted thoughts and emotions. It's a war between reality and expectations of life. A tough war, and if I don't get the support that I want, I may lose.

Things happen for a reason, and there's always a reason why certain things happen. Whenever something unhappy happened to my loved and close ones, I will push the blame to myself and having the tendency to take up full responsibility for whatever that has happened. Because of this whole "I want to be blamed for whatever that has happened so that I will feel better" attitude has gotten into me and is draining me day by day when I try to overcome the inner part of me. I know I am fault, no matter how many times I'm being told that I'm not, sorry, that's not going to change my mind because when something happens, there should be at least 2 parties at fault or contribute to the happening of the issue, just like the saying goes, "It takes two hands to clap". I don't want to be told that I'm not at fault, the more someone says that, the more I'm going to push the blame to myself till I'm able to totally drown myself in guilt.

If we are talking about "forgiveness", then I'm sorry, 'cause I will not forgive that person who has done be wrong. Yes, I'm hurt, but this doesn't give me a reason to hate him/her. How can I forgive someone when I don't hate that person and I don't even have any grudges in me? No, I won't forgive for there's no reason why I should forgive because the person hasn't done me wrong. I'm not that person who bears grudges just because you've hurt me. Anyone out there who has this thinking, you're so wrong. If I can't handle the hurt and pain that I'm experiencing, how am I supposed to help others when I enter the working field? Maybe the word "hate" is never in my dictionary, though sometimes I like to say "I hate it when..." That's a totally different issue. Hating someone is tough, you are just wasting time hating someone when you know you could have used the time to do something better. In any case, time shall do the healing and before it does, I'm going to take a good breather and be selfish for this time and escape from the issue.

I'm off for some games now, peace out! xoxo