Uneasy.

Today wasn't that bad as it seems it may be, but honestly, it is the toughest time that I have to go through. Not because I have to admit my mistakes, but because I have to bring back the pain that I've caused to a good friend of mine. If she didn't tell me the truth, I would probably still think that I'm the only one who is feeling the pain and hurt. Having to think of it, nothing like this would happen if it wasn't for me, all my selfish acts, thinking that it's the right thing to do. I guess I'm fully, entirely responsible for this incident, and I accept all the consequences that are going to come my way.

I always thought that I'm someone who can really put myself in other people's shoes and think of their feelings before doing anything, guess everything has proven me that I'm totally the opposite. I don't want things to turn out this way, why the hell am I so dumb to let it slip out of my mouth and blew everything. Why Elaine, why are you so stupid?! I always make it a point to care for others' feelings, why didn't I do it this time? Maybe I'm just this selfish, only caring for myself, yes, I am. I need to admit it and accept this fact because I am not as good as I think I am.. I'm angry at myself for committing such a foolish and stupid mistake which costs me a good and strong friendship that I really treasure. I'm this stupid, this dumb to do such things. I can't turn back time even though things are fine now, but somehow, my conscience still bugs me every moment, and the guilt in me, it will never go away. All I feel is guilt, and I have no idea what I can do,all I can do to make it better is to apologize sincerely, that's all I can give right now. The guilt builds up everyday, every minute, and somehow no matter how I try to convince myself, it's not gonna go away. Why am I feeling this way, because I feel like I've owe my friend too much, and whatever I do can never make up the words I've said, and the things that I've done. It feels like my life is so screwed up.

Things seem to be alright now, but I can see that something is missing. I know it's really hard for us to be good friends like how we used to, but we can be a whole new pair of good friends who understands each other and give each other the support that we need. It's been a rocky journey, and I want to remove all the "rocks" in the path.. With the guilt that I'm experiencing, it's gonna be another round of struggle for me. I will never forgive myself, NEVER. How can I ever forgive myself for all that I've done, I hate myself. I despise myself... I can never be able to forgive myself, and my conscience will always make me feel uneasy.