Sleepless Night.

I can't really sleep tonight mainly because I have too many thoughts running in my mind and of course, the internet connection is keeping me awake since my parents are not home. It has been such a long time since I use the computer at such late hours. I have no idea what's on my mind, it just feels like I've got a lot of sorting our to do, and many problems are arising, one after another. I think the way I handle issues are really wrong and they often lead to even worse problems. Those thoughts and problems are suffocating me and I feel like I'm drowning in everything, and I'm fighting for survival with every breath I have, with all the strength I have. Sometimes, I really have to urge to give up everything in life, and just lead a life that is filled with negativity..

What's wrong with me? Why am I losing so many people in my life? Why can't I save the friendships that I treasure? Why do I have to make people go through pain? There are just so many questions on my mind, and for all these, I can never find the exact answer, the only answer that I know and I can think of, is actually just me. I am the cause of everything, the way I talk, the way I handle problems/issues, they way I do things, they way I treat people. Slowly, one by one, everyone is gonna leave me, because they will then realise, being with me will create troubles and problems for themselves so I guess it's better than I keep a distance from everyone.. A safe distance, but how safe is really safe? No matter what, I still have to face the reality one day. I'm just going to accept that everything's my fault, which no doubt, it is, and I will never disagree to it.

Looking back, I've lose many friends, and for this, I will never be able to call myself "a friend that you can treasure for life", but hey, I've tried, I've tried to fight for what I can.. I really did. This year is probably the worst year that I ever had, O level year is not even this torturing or suffering. I'm losing the precious ones in my life, losing the people I care, losing the people I love, losing the people I treasure. No, I don't want this to happen, and I'm already trying to change.. But why am I not given the time to? It's not like I can change instantly when I want to, I will probably take a long period of time. Or is it that I have not try enough to make the change happen? I've used all the energy that I have to change myself for the better. I'm constantly reminding myself to think for others first before making any decisions or making me any remarks, I don't want to lose anymore friends.. Each and everyone of them is important to me, very important. Their presence and absence can really affects me, especially the few close friends that I have in class..

Life is getting worse each day, and I hope that I can have the strength to pull through and bring everything back to normal. And for everything that I've done, I'm truly sorry. I know no amount of apologies can make up the degree of hurt and pain I've put you through, but that's all I can say. You're someone whom I cherish and treasure, and you're important in my life because you are my very good friend. I don't know how I can convince you, but I will try...

2.34am and awake, the troubles never go away.. they never fades, they remain. It's no surprise I won't be there tomorrow..