Reflections.

Sometimes, you just sit there and think back about your life, what you've done, where you've been, the promises made and broken, who came and left your life. When you are being all reflective, there's just so many thoughts to think through, so many answers that you wish you can have the answers to them, but no matter how long you spend to reflect, you will never be able to get all the answers that you want, this is life. There's many questions not answered, many doubts not clarified, many words not spoken, many actions not done. Everyone has, in some point on their life, regret things that they've said or done, and it's not an exception for me as well. I remembered I once told someone that I have 4 major regrets in my life, and I start to wonder, is it really just these 4 or there are more? Or you simply can't calculate or count your regrets? I really don't know, maybe for all my life, it has been filled with tons of regrets that even I myself are not aware of.

My friend once said, "no one can truly understand oneself", and I do agree with her. At times, you just don't know who you are, what you're doing and where you are going in life. At times, it's like you are your own enemy. At times, you just simply hate yourself so much that no amount of words can be used to describe the hatred you have towards yourself and your life. What do you do when you are lost in your own life? What do you do when you have suddenly lost the sense of direction in life? I came to realized that I'm not exactly leading the life that I want. I always tell people to live their lives in the ways that they want it to be and the only true happiness that you can get is to be who you are. I'm started to feel that I am not practicing what I preached. It's hard when it comes to giving advice to yourself, you always seem to contradict yourself.

I hold onto the past for too long and too much that I can't find a way to "start afresh" and actually look forward to a future that I can be truly happy with the decisions I'm going to make, with all the things that I am going to do. It's like, when you want to case behind your past and when you are almost there, it decides to come back and haunt you all over again. The only thing that you can do is to dwell and bury yourself in it, and what makes it scary is that, no one is able to help you even though you know clearly that people are there to care and help. I know what I want in the future, the problem just lies on how to actually move out and move on from the past so that I can succeed in creating the future that I have been yearning for.. I guess all these need some time, a long period of time before I can finally let this heavy burden to leave me.

I think that commitment is a heavy and difficult term for me to inject it into my life. It seems tough for me to carry through committing, especially when it comes to relationships. I've got my heart broken for too many times, I've got my hopes too high for many times and I've got myself hurt for way too many times. My heart is telling me to take a break, to stop waiting for the person to enter my life and to just free myself from the pain. I've never exactly listened to what my heart wants to tell me, but this time, I will and I should learn to follow my heart. My heart is tired so I'm going to give it a break.