Friendships.

I couldn't emphasis more on how much my friends means to me, they're really important in my life. No words can accurately express how thankful I have them in my life. For those who have left, I'm thankful you gave me a really wonderful experience and memory of all the times that we've shared. I don't know why I'm blogging about this, it just came to my mind probably because I was being asked two questions earlier during the break in class when I was playing the truth game with my friends. Everyone's important to me, sometimes it's just hard to decided.

Anyway, I just want to share some quotes which I really love about friendships :) Hope that it can benefit or enlighten someone in some way or so.

"Friendship can only be measured in memories, laughter, peace and love."- Stuart and Linda Macfarlane 

"When two people are at one in their inmost hearts, they shatter even the strength of bronze or iron. And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts, their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids."- Ching

"I'm not strong. She's not strong, but together, my friend and I make the strongest force in the known universe."- Linda Macfarlane

"True friendship is like sound health, the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."-Charles Caleb Colton

"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."- Aristotle 

"A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you all the same."- Elbert Hubbard

Yep, that's about all that I wanna share today, I'm just gonna go back to my group dynamics revision now :) Gonna head to school tomorrow to study. Goodnight! 

Still The Same.

Today is just another average day for me, lots of thinking done though I've promised myself not to be bothered by the thoughts till after exams. It's just tough at times, when that issue is the ONLY one that's troubling me as of now, throwing away exams worries. Anyway, had revision lectures today and found out there there's actually A LOT to study >.< I'm glad that my lecturers gave revision lectures so that I know where to zoom my focus too! Went to TCM again, and sadly, my leg's condition is still the same.. NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Side track a little, I had the shock of my life last night, at 8pm. There was a miscommunication between my lecturer and group because of the word "postpone" O_O To me lecturer, she meant to postpone the discussion, NOT the presentation, and for my group, it was the opposite >.< I had to mass send a text to my entire class to inform that the the tutorial is cancelled, feel so sorry for creating such a huge mess. SORRY :(

Anyway, I have a presentation to do tomorrow, and I need to prepare for it, kinda impromptu, but I believe that my group can do it! :D Gahhh, haven't had the time to revise on my group dynamics! I don't know what else to type now~ my brain isn't functioning well tonight. BRAIN DEAD. 

Hmmm, so I'm addicted to cards shuffling, and I'm still learning how to do so. I'm like getting sleepy now... But I still have to prepare for presentation and revise my work.. SIGH. My house is really noisy now, I have no idea where I have find my peace and concentration. Ugh, save me! Anyway, this is a short post I know, just gonna leave it as it is before I feel less stressed to post. Need to wake up early tomorrow since I have to be in school by 8am.. GOODNIGHT WORLD. 

isthisreallytheend?

arewereallyoutofeachotherslives?

willthingsbebetterortheywilljuststaythesame?
maybeiamreallynotneededanymore.

This is my favourite dish :) 

I'm trying to shuffle this pile of cards :D NEVER GIVE UP!

Improvements.

Aye mates :) I'm feeling a little better and more positive today, except for the fact that I received a text from my friend which said, "You know, it would be nice if you just text me first every now and then." Hmm, the whole point is that when I text her first, she don't reply at all, on the other hand, when she text me first, I reply within seconds. Maybe it's once again, my fault that I didn't take the initiative to text her. I'm sorry.

Putting that aside, today was a pretty fine day for me. I've promised myself not to think about those worries and troubles that's inside me, and just focus on those positive thoughts and studying instead :) seems like I'm doing well so far. I shall just leave things till after exams and decide what I should do by then. There's no point burying myself in those thoughts and assumptions now, it just doesn't help me at all. I will leave them all aside as for now and well, who knows what's gonna happen in the future. Anyway, I was given the chance to purchase cigarettes today which made me all excited because it was my first time buying cigarettes! I didn't bring my IC along so I was a little nervous that the shop owner will not let me buy because according to some of my friends and my mum, they have all agreed that I don't look like 18 years old at all T_T how nice. It was a good experience overall. The second part was me going to buy the lottery. I don't know if I should be happy that I'm 18 now, knowing that my mum will ask me to do things that only "above 18" can do. It feels queuing up with all the adults and elderly in front and behind of me and I'm the youngest of them all.. There's just this insecure feeling inside me. This time, I remembered to bring my IC along just in case the staff wants to check O_O In the end, the staff did not check my IC, which makes me feel 18 years old for once :D

Lunch today was AWESOME! My mum's friend cooked abalone and cuttlefish porridge today :) It was super tasty! I ate 2 bowls of the porridge because the ingredients that he used are all my favourite! ^^ I love the overall taste, I don't know how to explain the taste, it's just tasted heavenly. Hmmm, I need to control the amount of food that I eat since I can't exercise recently due to my leg. PLEASE RECOVER FASTER! Yep, so I tried studying at home, and it went well in the beginning, and I got a little distracted after some time because there were people playing mahjong at my house and the entire place was packed with my parents' friends D: It's a little too noisy for me to tolerate so I went to McDonald to study! I guess it was my lucky day today because I met two Caucasian guys, really hot and good looking! One of them looks like Cody Simpson and another one look like Justin Bieber, just that he's the adult version of Bieber ;) Woohoo~ MELTING MUCH! I swear I eat like a pig at times, I ate so many things today and I'm starting to grow fat!

Okay, so I played poker cards with my cousin, blackjack, big 2 and another game which requires you to flip the card open and have to make sure that the number of the card is congruent as the number the player said :) It's somewhat a stressful game, but it's fun! :D Both of us laughed like mad and my mum gave me a "why do I have such a crazy daughter" look. Oh, I forgot to mention, my cousin dropped my phone today and it makes me sad because that was the first time my phone kissed the floor :( ahhh, it's first kiss is gone just like that D:

I'm gonna head for dinner now, and hopefully I can continue with my revision in peace. Whee~ Cheerios!

Wrong Move.

Sometimes in life, it's just so hard to predict what's down the road no matter which direction you are heading towards. For me, be it going left or right, I guess things are still going to be the same, they remain. Nothing will change no matter what I try to do. Just before I start to rant and complain or just share about my thoughts, I want to thank this friend of mine, she surprised me asking if I was free earlier when I was in class, and she took me outside and prayed for me. She wanted to pray for me 2 weeks ago, and today, she managed to find the time and the right opportunity to approach me. As she was saying the prayer, I teared.. At that moment, I felt time has stopped and reminded me how things have transformed... I just wanna take this chance to thank her.

"Dear Charmaine, 

Thank you making me feel safe and stronger with the prayer that you shared with me. I really appreciate your efforts and I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me. This is the first time that I've encountered such an act from my friend. I will remember all that you've said to me. God loves and cares for me no matter what happens. I'm precious to him no matter who I am. I believe that I will be able to find the strength to pick myself up again because I have God's help, your support as well as all my friends' encouragement. Thank you for today. It has brought a smile to me face. You'll always be the amazing and crazy friend in my life!"

I thought my thoughts will be more positive today, looks like I'm wrong once again. I can't help but to feel that I'm really not needed in some people's lives. I care, but if I care at the wrong time, it's useless and it's just going to worsen things. I don't know if I should even continue to care, I don't know if I should continue to pray for hope. The road ahead of me is so uncertain, the road ahead of us seems to be broken and no matter how much effort is injected to fix it, the cracks remain and nothing will get better. Someone please tell me if I should even continue to show my care and concern because it's weighing down on me. If I'm not needed, please tell me. If I should just stop caring and leaving people alone, please tell me. If my presence is something unwanted, please tell me. I hope I have the courage to move forward, letting go is not my forte. When I got over it, things around me remind me of what I've done. When I finally have the courage to let go, I contemplated and eventually go back to holding on to something that wasn't even there in the first place. Why am I holding on to something invisible? 

I've forgotten how a true smile feels like recently. I want to smile from the bottom of my heart all over again.. I want to turn the frown upside down, but with things going this way, it's going to be yet another tough battle that I have to fight and victory seems to be so unreachable. If I were to give up now, all that I've done will be deem useless and my efforts will all be wasted. If I were to continue to hold on, I'm just going to be hoping for nothing as time passes. I need to do something about it.  I need to get my head into revision and studying now. I need to get my motivation back! 

No Turning Back.

Something terrible and unpleasant happened today in class and I really hated the fact that I flared up at one of my good friends. What was I thinking? Why did I even flare up? Why did I raise my voice at her? I've hurt yet another friend whom I really treasure today and it got me thinking that I'm not really what people describe me as "a great person" or "an amazing and awesome friend". No, I'm not and I don't think I will be. There's many things in life that I've done wrongly. No matter how many times I apologized, things will never work out. People remember my mistakes more than all the good deeds I've committed..

I'm sorry for being a good for nothing.

I'm sorry for not meeting up to your expectations. 

I'm sorry for injuring my leg. 

I'm sorry for wasting your money on medical purposes. 

I'm sorry for treating you as my best friend. 

I'm sorry for disclosing my story. 

I'm sorry for telling you the truth. 

I'm sorry for liking you. 

I'm sorry for needing you. 

I'm sorry for not understanding you well enough. 

I'm sorry for not helping my sister in scoring good grades. 

I'm sorry for being such a bad daughter. 

I'm sorry for hurting you. 

I'm sorry for leaving a scar on you. 

I'm sorry for causing all the hurt and pain. 

I'm sorry for crying. 

I'm sorry for breaking down. 

I'm sorry for taking her away when clearly that you need her more. 

I'm sorry for making you worry. 

I'm sorry for being who I am. 

I'm sorry for not being perfect. 

I'm sorry for making your trust me. 

I'm sorry for being angry at you. 

I'm sorry for raising my voice at you. 

I'm sorry for telling you how I feel. 

I'm sorry for being honest. 

I'm sorry for doing things that I like. 

I'm sorry for donating money to charities. 

I'm sorry for being a nuisance. 

I'm sorry for being a irritating person. 

I'm sorry for talking too much. 

I'm sorry for caring too much. 

I'm sorry for not being the person you've always wanted me to be. 

I'm sorry for showing my true self to you. 

I'm sorry for not being strong enough. 

I'm sorry for wasting you time. 

I'm sorry for wasting your energy in beating me. 

I'm sorry for not choosing a course that you want me to take. 

I'm sorry for being stubborn. 

I'm sorry for being useless.

I'm sorry for making you feel neglected. 

I'm sorry for being there when you don't even need me. 

I'm sorry for being a busybody. 

I'm sorry for letting things turn out this way. 

I'm sorry for screwing things up over and over again.

I'm sorry for being in a bad mood. 

I'm sorry for causing you and him to divorce. 

There's way too many things in my life that I'm sorry for. No matter how hard I try, you will never appreciate my efforts. No matter how strong I am, I will eventually end up breaking down. No matter how many times I explain myself, you will always think that it's my fault. No matter how brave I am, you will always find ways to put me down. No matter how well I do in school, you will never be satisfied. No matter how much I want you to understand me, you will never try to do so. Sometimes when things get so bad that you don't even know how to share it with someone, all you want is just a hole and bury yourself in it. Yes.. I want to do that. Whether people can find me hiding in the deep hole, it's no longer important to me. Sooner or later, I'm going to transform back to who I was before, the one who has a smile that feels heavy, the one who keeps things to herself. I've spent my time getting out of that boundary, and why now, I have to step back in again? 

Since young, you've always pushed the blame to me, even though it's my fault. As time passes, I've learned not to explain myself even though it's not my fault, I've learned how to accept all the blame that was being pushed to me, and I've learned how to take the blame even though it's not fault. I thought things will be fine if I just listen to you and take the blame, but as I grow older, I realized that I can't find happiness in blaming myself. Every time something happens to my friends or those people around me, I will automatically think that it's my fault. I've learned to take the blame without anyone telling me to. Right now, I feel guilty whenever I pushed away the blame because I've grown up this way. There's just one logic in my life that you've planted in me: "No matter what happens, it's always my fault." Last time, I was too naive that's why I thought that if I push the blame to myself, you will not be angry at me or the others. But right now, this logic that you've imparted me is suffocating me, I want to get out of this... You're right, I'm just a good for nothing, I'm just someone who will never be able to gain your recognition, I'm just someone whom you will find it hard to appreciate... I'm sorry.

Go Crazy!

Hello! :) Hope everyone is doing well during this festive season! Today is a really great day for me. Although my CNY mood isn't really there, I guess this year's CNY was a pretty memorable to me! :) I'm a little sick of having steamboat now, I have it for lunch and dinner for 3 days, and I'm luck that there's no steamboat for breakfast. Imagine having eggs, bread, cheese and others in the steamboat. GRRRR.

Anyway, I made a trip to Shir's house today :D I had an awesome time at her house eating prawn rolls and dancing along with my friends. It felts so good seeing some of my friends today, really miss them dearly! I'm looking forward to go to school tomorrow because I get to see all my lovely friends! <3 I love playing Kinect, I don't know why, I think it's a good form of exercise and it's fun. You can get your friends to play with you if you're playing Dance Central! Mike danced to some sexy song today, I didn't expect him to dance to it since it's so feminine and sexual. I think that my classmates all have the potential to dance! I love how we danced along to the songs, and laughing at the moves when it gets too sexy for us to take it! FUNNY! Shir's mum is really kind and awesome, she ordered KFC for us even though I didn't really eat. I NEED TO GO ON A HEALTHY DIET! Anyway, all my friends' mums are really awesome ladies. She even gave us red packets. Thank you auntie! And to Shir, thank you for inviting us to your house and for the warm hospitality. Your family is really awesome!

I left the place early because I need to head back home and help with the cleaning of the house. My mum is very particular about cleanliness. She organized a steamboat lunch at home and there was tons of people, so it's inevitable that the place gets dirty a little. Kids are there too, so dirtiness will be present! Anyway, my mum is extremely good to me today. She reserved half of the abalone for me today :) THANK YOU MUMMY! Dinner was alright for me because I didn't a lot, the abalone made me full. Another thing, being cooped up in a room with 5 kids is not an easy job. I have to look after 5 kids on my own, with everyone running around, chasing one another. GAH. But it's okay, I need to have patience if I want to work with young children in the future. They eventually listen to me and I taught both of them not to resort to violence no matter what happens. I feel so old today. No, more like wise ^^

This is the abalone mummy reserved for me! :) 

Trio :D 

Yep, I'm looking forward for tomorrow to come :) can't wait to go back to school again, I don't know why. It's gonna be fun :D Have a peaceful and enjoyable night folks :)

This is the most adorable hand towel ever! Love to see it around my house! 

Dragon Year!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! 
Hello! I hope everyone is in the CNY mood although mine's just starting.. I feel really new today, everything that I'm wearing is new, whee~ I guess most of us are waiting for this day to come so that we can wear our newly bought clothes as well as to receive red packets. I'm pretty neutral about the second part, since I can gauge how much each of my relatives is going to give. Oh well, nothing too much but at least it's better than nothing (quoted from my friend!) ;) I think what I love most about CNY is the fact that I get to wear new clothes and of course, removing the shells of the quail eggs that my family uses for steamboat! I did that yesterday for my grandma and I reckon I'm going to do it again today for my mum. I enjoy it, so it's okay!

I think I have no life because I'll most likely be cooping up in my room and revise for my test T_T I feel so lag behind and like there's not enough time to study. Sigh. For today, I will try to enjoy myself without worrying about my studies and tests >.< gonna be a tough job for me, I know. Anyway, I will be going to my grandma's house for steamboat lunch and after which.... NICE, I have no more plans for today. Probably just gonna hang around and chit chat with my cousins or just simply, stare at the television. Most of my relatives are in KL, if I'm back there, I guess I will be out from day to the night. The CNY ambiance is much stronger over there as compared to here.

So.. I was reading Yahoo! news earlier and know that MBS was awarded the "Best New Tourist Attraction" award. Proud :D I went to click on the photos and the lighting, lasers etc are magnificent, it's really breathtaking and beautiful. Congrats to Singapore. We may be a small country, but together, we're one big family! Coming to Singapore to study is probably the best choice my mum has ever made for me because I get to know so many awesome and lovely friends, and to live in a country that has wise leaders. BRAVO! I don't know why I'm saying all these things, it just doesn't fit into the CNY mood >_> I shall not be bothered, FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

Just one last thing for this post! Last night, I received a text from a total stranger, I have no idea who she was. She wished me happy chinese new year, and at the point in time, I thought she was my primary school friend whose number I didn't save. It was awkward, really.. I had to ask her who she was and she replied me with a name that got me into deep thinking last night. I seriously don't remember having a friend that has that name, and so I had to clarify with her and I told her my name. Amazingly and surprisingly, she knows my surname even without me telling her. BINGO, RIGHT THERE! This got me even more puzzled and so I had to ask her again, and it was then that I realized that she has a friend who has the exact same name and surname as me -_- How coincidental! So I made a new friend because of mistaken identity and wrong number, which to me, it's pretty cool. She's also a Manchester United fan like me! Dragon year is going good for me!

Anyway, I wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year! In this dragon year, I hope everyone will have a blessed and fruitful year ahead! May prosperity and good health be with everyone always :)

Believe & Direct.

I managed to find some time off my revision schedule to update my blog, feels a little uneasy when I don't blog nowadays, maybe it has become an outlet for me to share my happiness, joys and worries :) Anyway, my leg is getting better, and I'm gradually feeling like a normal human being once again because I've regained my ability to walk properly, just a bit more and I'll be back to my original state, a full and complete human! :D OH1 Just to say, Bieber's fans are called Belibers and One Direction's fans are called Directioners. I actually like these two fan names because it's pretty meaningful. One calls for you to believe, another calls for you to direct and lead. NOT BAD RIGHT?! This randomly came to my mind so I just put it as my title~

Anyway, CNY is like approaching real soon. I have yet to immerse myself into the entire atmosphere yet, it seems to me that I'm just gonna see it as any other normal day. I guess I'll most probably just head over to my grandma's house and have reunion dinner and if I have the time and if my mum allows, I will visit my friend's house, because I want to eat the PRAWN ROLL! :) I will be staying home most of the time just to revise on my work because there's a test coming up. I know I have no life, that's what many people say to me, but what to do?! If I don't study, I will feel guilty. Oh well, it's just me. I'm feeling all the stress and pressure now because it seems like there's not much time to revise for all the exams and tests. No matter what, I will press on and give it my best shot. I WANT MY HOLIDAY! I'm gonna look for a job this holiday because my money is dripping away like a running tap.  There's a high need for me to save money now! I will have to open a new bank account so that I will be more discipline to save my $$. 

I wanted to blog about something, but it so happens that it slipped my mind O_O Anyway, this is just going to be a short post because I'm gonna go back and study RIGHT NOW! Have a good weekend ahead, and of course, get loads and loads of red packets :D CHEERIOS!

OH! I Forgot!

I realized I forgot to talk about my GSM on the earlier post! >.< Anyway, my GSM, finance, isn't really that bad as it seems. It's actually pretty interesting, just that the timing doesn't call for my attention to be focused. Quoted from my lecturer, it's like "post lunch syndrome", everyone basically just gets lethargic after lunch and our attention span just gets shorten. I didn't sleep though, I paid close attention throughout the entire lecture, though I yawned a few times O_O I think I'm interested in finance, although some of the terms used are really profound and I can't really comprehend them well~ ANYWAY! Today's the last lecture for me :) which is a good thing because I can study after lessons on every Thursday!

One thing that I remembered most clearly was the sharing of bonds, unit trusts and insurances from the lecturer :) He's actually a very humorous guy, and I realized he has the "broken arm syndrome", and my friends agreed to it too! T_T He said investing in bonds is a good move since the coupon rate is quite attractive! It's basically about us, the citizens lending a certain amount of money to the government for a period of time, maximum of 20 years. I think I will invest in it after I enter the work field for 3 months :) We social worker associates don't earn much, so time is needed for us to save up a good sum of money. I'd most likely invest about $1k for a start, and once I save more, I will consider investing more! And, my lecturer told me it's pretty tough to find a trustworthy unit trust nowadays because the original concept was corrupted as time goes by. SIGH. I don't think I will ever spend my money investing on units trust now that I know how it's being function.

I've also decided to get life insurance for my parents and sisters, just to play safe, as well as other insurances that are necessary for my family. It's better to play safe since life's unpredictable, anything can happen at anytime. I learned many new things regarding to finance today and one day, IF, I ever have extra money, I will try to invest into shares. One principle of investing in shares is to read the facts and not hearsay. Some people get into financial crisis because they listen to what others say, and do what others do. Sometimes, it's all about facts, like how well the company is doing etc. Oh well, I know I don't have the rights to say too much on shares since I've attended only ONE lecture on it, but I try ;)


I'm waiting for my mum's call so that I can bring my sister out for dinner! Just wanna share this video, it's a song that I'm really addicted to right now!

Louis Tomlinson is super adorable :D The other guys are not bad too! This boy band will definitely shine in the music industry! Keep going, One Direction!

Blessed & Thankful!

Woohoo~ I'm actually in a pretty good mood today, not because Chinese New Year is just around the corner, I just feel happy! :) Maybe I've gotten my issues settled, and I'm no longer that stressed out or vexed. I've been extremely stress recently over some personal issues, and now, I've finally managed to settle it. I know now that avoidance isn't the way to solve problems in life, all I need is courage to face the music no matter what consequences it's gonna bring me. I need to face my problems, that's the only way I can solve them and make myself a better person.

Anyway, the main highlight of today was the meet up with Jim, the most inspiring and funny lecturer ever! :D Some of my classmates planned a surprise party for him as well as those who are born in January, I'm included. It was quite a surprise to me since I didn't exactly anticipate it! My friends... I don't know how I can ever describe them, all these lovely people, they certainly know how to make people smile. I'm really glad that I got into this course, without this course, I wouldn't have met all these amazing people! So.. The "party" started with some chit chatting and catching up with Jim. He seemed to has lose weight and he looks super tan now, like really really tan and this tan line is pretty obvious. Anyway, we started to prepare for "lou hei" (I have no idea how it's supposed to be spelled, the way I spelled it sounds right to me), it's a Chinese tradition that occurs mainly during the CNY period :) We got the halal one so that our Muslim friends get to try it, it's good to teach them our traditions so that we can enhanced our understanding for different cultures! I hope everyone enjoyed it! OH! Majority of us were "snatching" to eat the crispy thingy from the lou hei, it's the nicest and tastiest among the others. TYPICAL SINGAPOREANS~ My friends are just sooooo cute! :D

I received many presents today although my birthday has passed for quite some time. I appreciate all the effort and time my friends spent searching a present for me and writing cards for me. I love all the presents and cards that I've received! ^^ One of my friend pricked her fingers just because she sewed my name on the angry bird shirt! :( I can't thank her enough for putting so much effort in my present. There's only one sentence for all my friends: You guys are amazing and I love everyone of you! This year is the first year I've received so many presents and cards on my birthday, it's of course, the most memorable birthday for me too! I'm gonna keep and treasure every gifts and cards I've received. Thank you my dear friends! <3 <3

Anyway, I'm just gonna stop here for today. I need to bathe and get to my mum's friend's house for dinner because her son is celebrating his birthday! Yay, I get to see the cute little boy again! WARNING: I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE! I'M JUST SOMEONE WHO LOVES TO MINGLE AROUND LITTLE KIDS! :D Have a good day folks! xoxo

All these presents are amazing! 

I can't thank my friends enough for all these cards and presents! 

My birthday cake! Yummy~

HELLO! I'm caring! :) This is one pillow that I really treasure~

2 Down!

Hello :) I'm here to update my blog again (obviously it's me, if not who else?) Well, in any case, I feel more relived now since I've cleared two of my presentations today, family therapy and social issues! I'm pretty satisfied with my own performance today, other than the fact I talked a little too fast, need to change this! I'm having another presentation tomorrow, so I need to remind myself constantly to reduce my talking speed. I have quite a number of things to prepare tonight since it's an important day for me tomorrow, not exactly me, but just one close friend of mine, that pig sister of mine :D She's turning 18, so I hope that she's gonna excel in everything she do. Shall keep these wishes for tomorrow!

Family therapy presentation was a little chaotic because as we present, I noticed many blank stares from my classmates, and I guess it's because the therapy that we are presenting on is highly confused especially the part on directives. Well, it happens, because my groupmates and I were having a tough time trying to comprehend the information as well, it was a tough journey, but it's all worth it. The presentation went go pretty smoothly other than the fact that the volume refused to co-operate with us for the first few minutes. Just to comment, I love my group's video, those crazy times... AH, MEMORIES! :) I'm glad we managed to pull through this presentation! As for social issues presentation, I ENJOYED IT very much. With so many slides to present and so many information to share, I think that my group has done a really really extremely good job, especially one of them who has to wear heels and present TONS of information. Bravo to you!

I just want to say something here: "To all my friends, who care so much about me and yet, I have put most of you through a hard time trying to care for me and yet, I'm still that stubborn. I'm sorry. You guys are amazing! I promise I will stop being stubborn and lessen the worries you guys have for me. I love you guys!" I think my stubbornness has caused my friends to be extremely worried, and yes, I'm truly, deeply sorry for it. I will change because I don't want my friends to worry so much for me, and yet, I still don't know how to love myself. I will stop being so stubborn, I will change :) I was in the wrong to be overly stubborn and not knowing that this personality of mine is actually hurting my friends and those who loves me dearly. All I can do for them is to change and stop being so stubborn.

Anyway, I'm gonna remove my leg's bandage now and just soak my legs in hot water for about half an hour :) Just printed the exam timetable, quite satisfied with it. I need to start revising on group dynamics because there's a test on it soon >_> OH DEAR! Have a good night ahead! xoxo

Needles Fever!

I realized I've been posting on my blog pretty often recently, which I think it's a good thing. At least I'm taking the time to keep my daily memories in this precious blog of mine! :) Today is a pretty good day for me! My class went to a children's home today, and I'm really glad that I went for the trip. I find it a very meaningful trip for me since I've never visited one before. I love the atmosphere there, though it's a little quiet, but figured out that's because the students are not back yet O_O I want to sponsor a child from the children's home, but the fees is really expensive, so I changed my mind and will opt to be a volunteer instead after exams ^^

My legs were dying as I walked my way out of school and to the home, but it's all worth it :) Anyway, I think my friends are fierce at times. I was trying to take the stairs down to level one in school, and suddenly, one of my friend (she has already reached the foot of the staircase) turned back and shouted something like this, I can't really remember that clearly, "Do you know there's a lift at the back there?" WOAH. This gave me an instant shock and fear. I'm stubborn I know, but I just want to take the stairs at that point of time. I knew I will get scolded if I don't take the lift, so having no choice, I took the lift instead. Well, at least this shows that I have friends who care for me :) Feels really good to have them by my side.

Anyway, I went back home to bathe and head to another TCM clinic to get my leg treated. I swear this time, it hurts more than ever! >.< The doctor asked if I'm afraid of needles, so I replied no. So lying there, needles were being inserted into my legs, it was a stinging pain, I could still handle it :) The next moment, he asked me sit on a chair and inserted another needle into the upper part of my leg, and at that instant, my entire went numb, like really numb. I couldn't even move my leg at that point in time, my leg was extremely stiff. Oh well, this is the price I have to pay for being so playful. Anyway, I could walk slightly better after the treatment, but there's just one main concern: I forgot how to walk normally. I tried, but I really don't dare to walk as per normal. SIGH. The doctor told me to dip my leg into a pail of hot water, as hot as possible as long as I don't scald my legs, and sprinkled salt in the water. I'm supposed to do this for about 4-6 days, 30 mins per day. After which, I should be able to walk normally again. I'm gonna listen to him, because I can't stand being so inactive >_>

Hmmm, I didn't know I miss my biological dad so much till earlier when I saw the doctor who treated me. He looks like my dad. I can't really recall how my dad looks like, but I felt something strong within in when I met the doctor. Maybe I just miss my dad :( Oh well.. it's too late to say anything now~ I'm gonna prepare for my presentations tomorrow! Wish me luck! xoxo

I Talked To A CAT!

I swear I'm turning CRAZY because I talked to a cat today, no, in fact, I talked to THREE cats today! I have no idea how my brain works nowadays, it actually has the ability to communicate with animals. BRAVO! Well, I'm definitely not mad, I did talk to a cat, but it was all my cousin's fault >.< What exactly happened was that, I was walking home with my cousin after a basketball game, (he's such a loser.. I shall explain myself later! :P) and we spotted 3 cats lined up in a straight row, and one of them suddenly walked off. I commented, "Ha, look, even a cat knows how to give way to me now!" Then I have no idea how, we started exploring the love triangle that we believed was occurring between the cats. The cat that walked away was obviously sad because he didn't managed to win the heart of the girl, and the girl followed another guy. HOW SAD! :( I empathized with the cat who suffered a defeat in the combat of love, and so, I looked at him (I made a daring guess that the cat is a male) and said, "Don't
be sad, I understand how you feel, peace 'kay?" HAHAHAHA. I can't believe I said that to a cat, and the cat somehow looked back at me as it understood what I just said to him. Amazing and brilliant cat that was!

Anyway, enough of my nonsense. I shall explain to you why I said my cousin was a loser. In fact, he is still one to me till now :P He challenged me to a basketball game with him and so... CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! I had only one leg to jump and shoot the hoop whereas he has got a pair of fit and long legs which has already secured him so much benefits, and yet, he still lose to me. He's such a poor boy. OH WELL.. That's life, but it's funny. I kept making fun of him and teased him on how he can't even shoot  properly. Okay, I shall not continued to mock him further or he will come after me with a chopper, penknife, nail clipper, stapler and whatsoever that can inflict harm on a person T_T

School's finally starting tomorrow! I'm pretty excited to go back to school again although I can't seem to figure out a reason why. My friend's gonna fetch my from the bus stop tomorrow so that I will reach school safe and sound. I'm finally crutches free! I really hated that thingy, I've dumped it into corner of my room now. SORRY :P I'm gonna read up my scripts and revise a little before heading to bed. Have a wonderful night lovely! xoxo

ALOHA!

I'm finally back from the TCM. I almost fainted during the process of rubbing, twisting and turning my leg. It hurts super badly! I saw stars and there's double vision. I could have fainted there. The pain was unbearable and at the very instant, I just feel like breaking my leg. The beginning of the process was alright, I could still handle the pain, but as the physician continued rubbing, the level of pain simply just increased. I wanted to scream, but I held back since I don't want to embarrassed myself  as there are many people around. I was tearing and stuff, and was clinging onto the pillow case so tightly. I wanted to runaway..

Shall not talk about the treatment process anymore, it just triggers the pain even more. My walking speed is so much slower now and I have no idea how to make it to school on time and alive. I need to wake up earlier, and decide which transport mode I should take. Travelling is just so inconvenient for me right now, I just want my leg to recover faster! Why am I so playful? Sigh, I guess this is one important lesson learned. I think my mum feels that my leg injury is very minor, she asked me to help with housework, and I climbed up and down the ladder just because I need to clean to topmost of the cupboard. Oh well, I can't blame her, because this is my responsibility as a member of the family. Family assumption #1: A change in a family member affects all of the family members.  In this case, my injury has caused a certain amount of changes in my parents' and sister's behavior. Hmmm...

Anyway, I saw this super cute and adorable little girl at the TCM. I started to play pee-ka-bo with her and she responded quite well to me. At first she was all shy and didn't want to play along with me, but as time passed (which is like 2 mins later), she joined in with me. She was hiding behind her parents and at the same time, tried to peek at me and see if I'm doing the same to her. I love the smile on her face as I was playing with her, it makes me feel good since I'm a future social worker associate, and working with children is inevitable. She's really adorable, she continued to play with me until it's my turn to see the physician. She even waved goodbye to me. AH! How adorable can that kid be? (Pfft, I sound like a pedophile now!) I'm gonna start to think and reflect on which group of people I can work with, probably children and elderly :) I can't really work with families because I'm scared to have a counter-transference especially on cases related to domestic violence. I shall see how things work out, meanwhile, I just need to handle my own emotions well and find solutions to the problems that I've been avoiding. How am I supposed to provided help to the others if my own issues are not resolved? WORK ON IT ELAINE! 


I'm gonna my fringe trim later since my mum keeps complaining about how long it is, I hope I don't look weird with a slightly shorter fringe. I'm off for now, byebye! xoxo

How The World Should Be.

I'm really bored at home, just reading and flipping through my textbooks, trying to concentrate, but I'm sure all of you know that I've failed terribly. As I'm reading more, I realized that this world is filled with unfairness and even though there are legislation and policies that protect the welfare and interests of people, it's not enough, it's never sufficient. So what if there's laws that state that discrimination is not allowed, people don't care, that's mankind, nonchalant attitude is what comprises of us. I'm not saying that most of us don't care about the others, it just that it gets me really frustrated when I read about how minorities are being despised upon, making them feel marginalized. Is there really a need to treat them this way? They are humans too, they're no different from the majority.

I wish I have to power to create the world that I want it to be. How the world should be, it should be filled with showers of love and care. "Love each other or perish", I really like this phrase though I can't seem to recall where is the source. Without love and care, who exactly are we are? Without love and care, I guess we would probably live in a world filled with hatred and grudges, that explains why wars break out, why riots occur and why people resent one another even for the slightest mistakes. The price to pay for hating someone and holding your resentment towards them is high, a price that we can never afford to pay no matter how much wealth an individual or a country has. All the lives lost, all the properties destroyed and all the innocent ones who lost their dear ones, no, it's never the right choice to resort to violence to fight for what you think is rightfully yours. There's always a better solution than violence. (I think enlarging certain words make them looks more powerful!) People are so afraid to love, because they are afraid of getting hurt, for another time, by the same issue again.  I just hope more people will dare to love, dare to say the phrase, "I LOVE YOU" more often and making sure that they mean it when these 3 words, 8 letters, 1 meaning is being said. Say it before you can, before it's too late to even utter theses words out.


Probably one of the many concerns we are facing in this society will be gender inequalities. The gender roles behind each sex is overrated. Who said that women are the only nurturers of the child, and should stay home and be a housewife? Who said that men can't stay home and help with the household chores while still going out to work? Females should not be discriminated just because of their gender. Victims of abuse are majority women, employees with lower rank are usually women, employees with lower pay are mostly women, parent who does most of the household chores and cater to the needs of the children are mainly women. Tell me why is there even such a gender difference in our society? Don't despise us women, just because we abide doesn't mean we are good to bully. The society is moving forward, we should not stay in the whole mindset of a patriarchy society anymore, it should be a gender equality world.


I should just leave my thoughts and comments for some other day now, I'm getting tired and thinking of social issues upset me because it shows me how cruel and how inhuman some human beings can get. I just hope that the world will change for the better. Throw away the judgement, embrace the differences, that's how it should work out.

Who Am I?

Erik Erikson's theory has finally come into play in my blog, the stage on identity vs identity confusion. I guess I'm still in this phase of trying to find out who I really am in this world. I once thought I managed to figure that out, but I guess I'm not ready to even accept my own identity for the time being.
Most of the aspects of identities are made known to me, however, I seriously have no idea who I am to myself? I always thought that I'm a good friend to others, someone who will be willing to do anything for my friends and love ones, this hasn't change. The only thing that's bugging me was the fact that I handle my friendships in a subtle manner. It seems to me that I always screw things up, especially matters related to friendships. WHY? I have no idea why, it's just in me. It's innate that I tend to do things that are harmful for the relationships that I have, and when I realized it, it's too late to do anything about it.

I'm on a phase of emerging adulthood, since I'm already 18, and one of the markers for this is actually to take responsibility of your own actions. Yes, I knew that long time ago, I bear the consequences of my actions. I should have thought more in depth that what I did was about to cause an eruption since I know, some things can never be kept in the dark for long. I was too foolish to think that I have the capability to control what's gonna happen next. 18 years of my life, and yet, I'm still unable to figure out what exactly I'm doing to my friends and myself. Am I always putting my thoughts and opinions on others? Am I always in other people's way? When something unpleasant happens, there's a tendency to blame myself for everything, no matter how many times people try to convince me that it's not my fault. It takes 2 hands to clap, there's always a percentage of fault that I contributed which caused the whole misunderstanding/issue/problem to occur, and I dare to say, for majority of the times, I'm the one who contributed the most. Because it's a matter of fact that I do not have the capability to weigh my own actions and words.

I've learned to grow up doing the right thing, and I've learned that words spoken out can NEVER be taken back. I do admit in a certain way or so, I've regret saying certain words. I'm standing right here, on this Earth, trying to piece everything properly in my life, which seems like a difficult task because everything is going against the flow that I wanted it to be. I won't push away the fault and responsibility, and I know I have to do something about it, but how? I'm starting to question myself on whether I should even have close friends in my social life, on whether I should even trust people when I share with them my troubles? Why do I seem to have lose the faith and trust in mankind, or is it for the fact that I've already lose confidence in myself that things will be better and that I can keep my friends till the day I leave the world? I'm so confused right now... Having an injured leg, preparing my scripts for presentations and studying for exams are things that keep my mind occupied day in day out. And when I cease all these activities and simply just lie on my bed to reflect, I realized, I'm not that good overall. I'm just someone who will cause misery, hurt and pain in other's life. THAT'S ALL. There's nothing I'm good in, there's not a day I can live my life without feeling remorseful. For the record, I think I'm better off alone.

That's The Price!

Yo people! I'm back again :)  I've been busy, as usual, what's new? This week is kinda good and bad for me.
I think I should learnt to be less playful at times, because my playfulness costed a great price on my leg. Jumping around can cause serious injuries, this is a sincere advice, so little kids, don't jump about or you will end up like me! >.<

I have a playful character, always jumping around and I never know what it will cost me until yesterday. I was trying to place a jacket into the cupboard, and given my short height, I have to jump a little higher than usual just to make sure that the jacket will be in the cupboard safely. HERE WE GO! 1, 2, 3, jump! Okay, my friend told me I jumped too early and missed the jacket, in fact, I slammed onto the cupboard, stepped on my friend's leg, kicked something and THUD! I'm on the ground T_T Everything happened within split seconds, and before I could even react to you, I was lying on the ground, moaning in pain because my right leg was literally numb and I can't even move it. After a few minutes on the ground, I had to get up as I want to try to move my leg. First few steps were alright since I don't feel the pain YET. As I started walking, the effect of the pain grew tremendously... Hopping was my substitution for walking back then.

I wanted to go home and see a doctor, and I was of course, trying to walk properly to convince my friends that I'm alright and I can make my way home alone. I knew they didn't believe me, but I was too stubborn to listen to them at that point of time because I have something more important in my mind.. I kept insisting that I wanna go home, till one of my friends, came and scolded me, OH NO, I meant, she was being stern with me, telling me to think rationally and logically given the fact that I can go nowhere with my leg in this state: SWOLLEN and PARTIALLY DISABLED. I gave up trying to be stubborn and heeded my friend's advice. This incident made me realized that, I'm not alone in this world, my friends are always there for me, helping me and giving me the support that I need. I can't thank them enough for all that I've done for me. Carrying me to the taxi, scolding me so that I can think in the right manner, buying food for me and simply writing notes to give me encouragement, I really love my friends and appreciate all that they've done for me! If it wasn't for them, I think I can't make it to and fro from school to home and vice versa.

I'm really glad that my right ankle bone wasn't fractured, or the consequences will honestly turn undesirable.. I have to depend on the crutches when I'm walking now, and it's really troublesome. It hurts my hands and having to walk around with crutches is the worst thing ever. I don't like how it hurts me and I have to exert so much strength while using it. Oh well, what can I do? I injured my leg due to my playfulness, this is the price I have to pay. I just want my leg to recover asap so that I can go all active again. I'm really not used to being so inactive, I prefer moving around. SIGH.

I'm going to rest, do up my scripts and revise my school work since exams are round the corner. Have a good night people! Love! xoxo

Happy Birthday!

Hello! I'm finally back from the stayover at my friend's house and of course, open house! I just want to say, this year, I've had a super awesome birthday! :D It's all thanks to my friends who came up surprises and a dance performance for me, they are great! I really got a shock when I saw the cake that they bought for me, I was overwhelmed by tears, and started crying non-stop. That very particular moment when I saw the cake and the impromptu performance they put up for me, I was really touched, and I still am. That scene is etched in my memory, I'm lost for words because this was how amazing the entire birthday surprise went! :) I want to thank all my friends who went all the way out to celebrate my birthday with me, took so long to figure out what to buy for me, spent the time doing cards for me, and of course, spending hours, minutes and seconds wishing me happy birthday and giving endless and countless hugs. For every present, card, hug and wishes that I received, thank you, really, I'm really thankful that I got to know you guys. Thank you for making this year's birthday so special and memorable for me, if it wasn't for all of you, I guess I will not be able to know how does a real birthday celebration feels like. Words can't describe how grateful I am towards everyone in my class, all I can say is that, I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! <3

Those presents I've received, those cards that I get and of course, those text messages that I received, I will keep them and really treasure every single wishing that was sent to me. I really do enjoy the celebration, thanks folks ;) Oh, something really freaked me out when I was having the open house. I saw my friend's twin sister, and OH MY GOSH, they look super like. it's like a mirror image of each other! O_O Their actions, the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they laugh and the clothing they wear, ARE ALL ALIKE! I'm like seeing two exact faces! If my friend didn't wear the class tee, I think I will have quite a hard time figuring out who is who. AND! I feel really honored that my friend's twin sister gave me two hugs on my birthday, she's like a celebrity to me now!  ;) She's friendly!

I love helping out during open house, it's fun and I love promoting my course to others. Many people often mistaken social workers as volunteers, but here I am, telling you guys that social workers is NOT volunteer. We are trained and we get paid! ^^ I't s a helping profession. Joining social work is about passion, not about the salary we are going to get. How long do you think you can stay in a job which is high paying but there's a lack of interest? It's not gonna be long before you see yourself switching jobs every few years, or worst, every few months. I love social work, I love this course, and I love helping people, as simple as all these :)

In any case, just wanna say, I really enjoy the 3 days I've spent together with my classmates, helping out with open house and throwing a small party on my birthday! It was hard work, please rest well my dear friends, I love you guys! <3

Open House!

Today marks the day for the first time I actually participated in an open house. I don't go to open houses because I'm usually too lazy to visit. I was looking forward to my school's open house though I have no idea why, I just have a feeling that it will be a good one ;) It feels great to be able to help out for the open house, and it certainly feels good to see the class coming together as one and help each other out during the event! Those scenes made me smile, guess I'm easily contended.

I love how I'm being pushed around the cart by my friends, it's super fun! :D I love it when my friend pushes the cart as high speed, but at the same time, I'm scared I will fall since there isn't anything for me to hold on to. Kenji pushed the cart to the toilet with me sitting on it, and everyone was staring at us, mainly me, because I looked retarded, like some lunatic screaming helplessly. I don't mind the stares as long as I'm having fun! I'm in charge of the counselling section and that made me nervous since I've not been practicing the skills for quite some time. I have to keep reminding myself which skills I should use, what questions I should ask. I don't want to disgrace myself in front of those who will be visiting our course. I had to rehearse those skills while I'm on the bus to school >.< Initially, I wasn't expecting many people to come to our class and understand the course, since it's a new course and it's located in an area that not many people know how to make their way there unless someone guide them there (which majority of the people who came were guided by students from NYP). I was really glad that quite a number of people turned up today. I think many people are still pretty unfamiliar with our course. It's alright, we will try our best to promote and advertised it!

I went home early because I was tired and I wasn't in the right mood to further continue helping out. I decided to go for a swim to clear my mind and hopefully, feel better after a few laps in the pool. As usual, impromptu arrangement will get a scolding from my mum. She hates the fact that I inform her about certain arrangement so suddenly, so I got a scolding before I managed to go to the pool. My ears are superbly thankful when I left the house, it's a relief! When I got to the pool, there wasn't anyone swimming int he adult pool, so it felt pretty awkward when I was the ONLY one who were swimming. What made it more embarrassing was the fact that the lifeguard was staring at me. WEIRD! It finally got better when more people started to swim in the adult pool, I no longer felt so weird :D I swam about 18 laps before my hands started to ache so I had to stop swimming. Poor me~

I'm feeling super sleepy now, I'm just gonna slack for a while before heading to bed. I need to wake up super early tomorrow to send my cousin back to KL. Goodnight peeps! xoxo

One Less Stress.

Woohoo~ I managed to find some time off my busy schedule to update my blog. I made myself sound like I'm working on a million dollar deal! :D I've been pretty stress and busy recently, with the only goal to prepare for my group activity, which was held earlier today. I've spend weeks in planning, intervening this activity. I think I've lost quite a number of brain cells, and I've improvised my proposal for many many times. I started planning for this activity before I left for KL, and when I was back there, my mind was flooded with thoughts relating to my activity. It's stuck within me, be it whether I'm getting ready to head to bed, having meals or in the shower, I can't keep my mind off this activity. It has unknowingly became part and parcel of my life!

My activity had something to do with eggs, and some condiments. I spent so much time trying to figure out what are the condiments that I should use. I was really nervous and stressful today because I have no idea if my plan will turn out the way I want it to be. I keep reminding myself of the steps that I need to follow, and make sure I bring everything to school. It was a stressful period for me, it's a form of psychological torture. Oh well~ What made me feel nervous the most was the fact that my friends will be playing 5 different roles, each with a different role that they need to act out and I have to deal with them. It's like problematic behaviour that will be displayed in the group. The 5 roles were:

1. Advisor
2. Silent observer
3. Assistant leader
4. Superior
5. Storyteller 

It was scary to me because I have to think of the methods to deal with such situations on the spot, no script, no lines, it was a difficult job. I was the 3rd to conduct my activity to me, and with the clock ticking, I can feel my heart beating faster and faster, as if it was about to drop out. It was that scary, that torturing and stressful. 

For one of my friends activity, I was given the role of the silent observer. At first, I thought it would be a difficult role for me to portray successfully since, I admit, I'm a talkative and noisy person. Amazingly, I managed to emerge myself fully into this role and kept quiet throughout the activity. I guess it was due to the fact that I was nervous about my facilitation which was approaching soon. I like the first two activities that my friends has planned, it was fun to play, and really challenging. Both of them seemed so nervous, which in turn, added to my level of nervousness. I couldn't really focus on the games and debrief because my mind is entirely occupied by my own thoughts on my activity, I was in my own world. Finally, it was my turn to facilitate. I had some difficulty setting up the place since I didn't really consider thoroughly how I wanted the circle to be like.. But, this was soon over, thanks to the great co-operation my friends rendered to me! 

For the first part, the members were supposed to balance a hard boiled egg on the table top surface within 3 minutes. If everything goes as planned, I would expect everyone to not be able to balance the egg. HOWEVER! That's not the case, one of my friends managed to balance the egg, and it totally struck me. I got a little flustered, because this meant that I have to rethink of a debrief for my activity. In any case, I reacted by asking the rest of the members to give her a round of a applause because personally, I've tried the activity and I failed in balancing the egg. I should practice more! For the second part, the members were supposed to choose from the 6 condiments provided for them and do a try and error method to find the correct one that will help in balancing the egg. When I was trying out the experiment, only the salt works, strictly speaking, only the salt will help in balancing the egg. So, there came another crisis, there were responds like chilli powder and sugar are capable of balancing the egg as well. I was once again, taken aback. The entire original plan was side tracked and I have no idea what to do. I couldn't figure out the reason why such a thing happened, all I can do were to proceed on with my activity and try to twist and turn my debrief to fit the situation. Oh, just to mention, my lecturer played the role of the storyteller, and she did a really good job! I was annoyed by her, and was trying hard to stop her from telling her stories to the others. PHEW! I managed to handle her, and eventually, completed my activity. Though it was far off from the way I've planned it, I'm pretty satisfied with myself during the facilitation! :) 

Now, there's gonna be one less stress for me. I can finally concentrate on my presentations and revision now. My "sister" came to my house today, wanting to borrow a black shirt for tomorrow, and I ended up opening every drawer I have to show her. She was like assessing my house. One good point she made: my house is small. YES, my house is indeed very small, there isn't a lot of space to hold too many people. She's the second visitor from my class whom has visited my house. I don't usually bring people to my house because of my mum, and when I do, feel honored :P Just kidding, when I do bring people to my house, it will be of a reason, either for borrowing of something or for some other reasons. She witnessed the way I interacted with my mum, which I guess was a good thing ;) 

Anyway, I'm gonna bathe and start with my revision now. I need to study as much as I can tonight before I send my notes and textbooks for open house tomorrow! Oh, mentioning of open house, I'm looking forward to it, I have no idea why, I just have a feeling that it will be fun! :D I have to pack so many things for the open house tomorrow, poor me! Have a good time ahead, peace out! xoxo